Flight 453

The ride home to Reed was much longer. In between having to pee like hell while the person blocking me was asleep and avoiding awkward conversation with the person on my other side, I basically spent the entire ride trying to determine whether the person in the row ahead of me was a man or woman. This person was completely sexually ambiguous- he/she had long hair (which means nothing going to Portland), was sitting next to a taller, more masculine bald man (also means nothing going to Portland), had some very feminine facial features and other manly facial features, and no obvious boobs. Even its voice was ambiguous. I could not, from any angle, confidently decide on a gender. Today, I still want to know what it was.

My stay in LA, however, was not as long and boring. In a few ways, it was too short and I wish I could have spent more time with people. Of course, drama always ensues whenever I'm around anyone. Not as much at Reed...maybe it's just "home people" that are always rubbed the wrong way. Or I don't know how to act around them. It would be nice to know, so I could at least attempt to be more comfortable around them.

So...met up with the friends that I was anxious about seeing. Less people came than should have. Most of them didn't come because of our lazy planning, but not all. Sarah and Birte were conspicuously absent- I wonder why. (More on that later) Fragola wasn't there Friday but we hung out Saturday. Friday I hung out with Mena, Molly, Min and Ahlyzik (and later Max). I spent the start of the day with Alex, automatically making it wonderful. I picked him up and brought him home to meet the parents, something that really needed to happen. He especially wanted me to tell them, and I thought it would be best to do so by just introducing him instead of telling them and leaving it a mystery. That way, they didn't have a chance to create any wrong impressions of him before meeting him as my boyfriend.

So I stopped procrastinating and faced up to the fact that I needed to just get it over with. We walk into the kitchen and he hugs her. My mom, surprised to see him and even more surprised by his immediate affection, looks at me like..."what?". I explained to her, "Mom, this is my boyfriend Alex". She kind of smiled and tried to act like she wasn't completely blown away. She started asking him questions; even though she already knew him as my friend, she had never taken the time to ask about his future. Not that it mattered to her until it affected me. But the next day she came up to me and told me he's a very nice boy, and he's welcome back anytime. I loved hearing that. Does that mean he can sleep over anytime? hmmm...

It's probably just because he liked her turkey dumpling soup. He was really great with the parents and I wasn't at all afraid that he would say something stupid (like I probably would do in front of his family). He was sweet and interesting, helpful and- most importantly, funny. My family definitely appreciates a sense of humor. If we made any kind of impression on them, it was that we have a very comfortable relationship- and are really close friends first and foremost, before lovers.



It was nice to be in LA, but I'm incredibly glad to be back home. The tension between me and Molly was too much to handle, and I just didn't want to deal with it. I could feel her getting annoyed at little things, and I did nothing to change it because I was too selfish to try and fix things before they got worse. I wanted things to just run smoothly without any effort. I didn't want to have to entertain anyone or make them happy, I just wanted to have fun being together. Is that so much to ask? I didn't want to think about any new problems while I had so many already on my back. No one realizes, or maybe they just don't care, how stressed out I have been about Birte and Sarah. No one gets that two of my best friends completely exiled me. It's a fucking big deal and the whole world should care as much as I do!!! I wanted to see Birte, but I also wanted to respect the fact that she needed time to think before seeing Alex and me together. I gave up the idea of seeing her, after waiting for so long, despite how much I wanted to be friends again just like old days. I wanted to see Sarah so I could bitchslap the whore and ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. What justification does she have to eliminate me from her life? I want some kind of explanation at least. I have so much to say to her and so many built up emotions, I don't know what to do with them any longer. Maybe I'll write her a letter. So anyway, people don't realize that I already have these things to think about. It doesn't make me feel too great when my 4 former best friends go out together and don't invite me.

You know what, IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS. I come home for Thanksgiving and half of my friends hate me. I'm sorry for being such a fuck-up. All I want to do is cry. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to care. They don't care about me- so why do I care so much about them?


A letter was here but it's been removed for necessary privacy reasons. i won't taint the rest of my post.

I can't handle when Molly is angry at me. I hate her assumptions, the countless misunderstandings that she completely got wrong, and her failure to see my real intentions. I don't agree with her reasons, and I don't want to write my reasoning now, (and I'm not even sure if I should make this public...probably not, but a little advice from anyone could be helpful) but I do want to say that I wanted to have as much fun as I could with her AND Alex AND everyone else. It didn't work out perfectly, but I don't think that anything I have done deserves a complete reversal of the way anyone thinks of me. It's bad enough having the rest of the world against me, the last thing I need is Molly hating me. So I guess I'm sorry. Maybe I'll find a way to explain myself later.