Raindrops on Roses

After a conversation with KC, I miss home even more. I hope we're clear by now that home is Reed College and not my parents' house in Los Angeles. I miss hearing her sprinting down the hall and jumping onto my 30-foot loft bed. I even miss that pain in the ass of a bed. I miss my computer, my balcony, seeing my breath in the freezing weather and most of all the 24/7 aroma of pot. I miss my dorm that ALWAYS reeks of grass even though I barely smoke now. I miss sporatically bumping into people on acid or mushrooms or mescalin (or another creation of their own) and walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night only to find music blasting and a bunch of drunk dormies. I miss it all. I'd even be okay being back in class just so I can get all the things I love.

I love my family- don't get me wrong, but there's only so much of them that I can take. Even when I'm here, I don't see them very much. I work all day and then come home to kick Ava out of my room. We eat dinner, watch a movie if we're lucky, but even that is rare. We don't have much time just as a family. I'm always going out and not coming back until after they're asleep. So today we made it family day. Why does family day have to be on a Friday, of all days? I should be out having fun. But recently I feel like I've lost the capacity for having fun. I really wanted to hang out with Molly but Long Beach is fucking far and I just wasn't up for it. I've spent so much money on gas. And work really drains me of energy- every day I want to just come home and take a nap. My mom wanted to make cookies and watch a movie, and so we did. It was this boring black and white movie, I don't even remember what it was about. She also thought it would be fun (or funny?) to look at pictures of Alex in my old yearbooks. He looks like such a nerd. And at least 10 years younger than he should be. Sorry Alex, it's true. Usually I blow my mom off and tell her we'll hang out later, because as bad as it sounds, my friends matter more than family, but this time I gave in. And I know Molly isn't happy about it, since we haven't spent enough time together at all, but we'll make something work. If not tonight or tomorrow, then Sunday and all next week. There's been a lot of bad timing keeping us apart- work schedules and little out of town trips, and I knew one of us would get fed up sooner or later when it didn't work out perfectly. I'm pretty patient though- I think I'm more optimistic than anyone gives me credit for. I'm supposed to be a pessimist but I fell like everything will work out as it should in the end, even with difficulties on the way. I still want to go to the MOCA Ecstacy exhibit stoned. It was amazing normally, and I can only imagine what an altered state of mind will do to my perception of the art. And maybe I'll plan another movie night, or trip somewhere that doesn't cost money. The beach maybe? Who knows.

Random thought: My leg itches and I'm not sure if it's from a spider bite or if I'm starting to get the possible full-body rash that can be a side effect of the new acne meds I've just been put on. That was probably too much information. But I'm worried, to say the least, that I'm gonna look like a walking sunburn.

I've been thinking, is it really so wrong that I enjoy my own company more than the people who don't like me? I'm not talking about Alex 1 or Alex 2 or Ulrika, but everyone else who was supposed to be my friend. None of them are real friends- they don't give a shit about me at all. And I honestly don't care to spend time with those people. It's not even fun with them. I don't want to play poker with people who either secretly or openly dislike me, and I don't think I should. I'd rather be with the few people who I love than a group of the rest of them.