What I HAVE to do

I'm breaking up with Ray. I realized this morning that we can't be friends. Not with my personality and his satisfaction in destroying it. I definitely do not need his embellished versions of the truth or exaggerated, hyperbolic drama. He lives for that drama, and I don't need to partake in any of his shit. I won't stand for the kind of mistreatment that he gives me. He was wrong to freak out yesterday with the pizza-ordering and wrong to take it so far as to show up at my party for 30 seconds and leave. I don't remember what he said to me in those 30 seconds, but I do remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying about it. Thank you to those who noticed and comforted me. I love you.

And it helped me realize that Ray isn't the caring kind of person who I want in my life. I can't even picture him comforting me. We've gotten closer lately, and I was starting to think that a real friendship would work out with us, but I was very wrong. His temper and attitude is too much for me to handle. He can pull that with someone else but I refuse to be friends with someone who freaks out like he did. That's not okay, and no amount of alcohol in anyone's system would excuse it. I was willing to talk about him feeling excluded. His little door-slamming and petty remarks were bullshit, and I could have simply explained that anyone was allowed to order pizza with us- it was not at all a fixed, invite-only thing. I didn't organize it, I didn't intend to leave him out. Jess came over and ate with us after we ordered without her and there was absolutely no problem. Ray has ordered food without me countless times- so what the fuck is the big deal? It's not like he ever invites me either. So I saw no reason for him to hold a grudge. I knew, however, that he would. That's just Ray.

Regardless of the debatable details of the events that sparked my realization, I am now completely sure that we won't work out. I've never been so angry at someone that I "jokingly" tell them that I wish them dead. I can't even imagine what he'd do if I ACTUALLY did something mean or hurtful to him. It scares me to think about it.