Sarita Chiquita...Bonita?

I remember when we were friends. We used to talk on the phone for hours every night. We'd talk about her fantasies, her obsession with Paul, her freaky fetishes. Now I realize it was all about her. I didn't mind because I love to listen. I'm not that person who goes on and on about myself, it's just not me. But I also believe that there should be some sort of reciprocity in a friendship. It should never be all about one person. And that's why I think Molly and I get along so well; we both give each other a chance to talk and we both care about each other's opinions. With Sarah, though, it was all about her. She had a problem with this or that and it was my job to try to fix it. I'd boost her self esteem and hide my own insecurites. Keep in mind, this is quite a few years ago, but we definitely had a bond for awhile that was stronger than I had with many of my friends. It's hard to believe today that we were so close because of our current situation. But if I was really the bitch that she accuses me of being, I would reveal those sensitive little secrets that she shared with me. I would tear her reputation apart with the priviledged information I hold.

But I won't.

I will, however, share how I feel about her and show that, as Molly wrote, she is a bad person and doesn't deserve our friendship. Sure, it hurt like a bitch to think that she could so easily dispose of me. I wasn't even angry or hurt that I was losing a great friend; I think I knew subconsciously for awhile that neither of us wanted to deal with each other any longer. I was angry that I didn't get any closure, that she was too chicken shit to stand up to me to tell me how she felt, to give me a reason for her avoiding me and telling everyone else what she should have told ME. I thought we'd have an opportunity to talk this past Monday when we were all supposed to hang out with Benke, but she changed her mind and decided not to come because I was going. So I lost my chance to ask her what the problem is. I still don't know if she's angry about the message I wrote her about ignoring us while she was in Costa Rica or if there's another deeper rooted problem. I wish she would have communicated with me in times like that, times where I wanted to talk things over but she was too afraid of confrontation and so left me with nothing. I was deprived of an explanation and I still want one.

But she leaves for Costa Rica today. For whatever reason, I don't even care any more. If I had a plan (like giving up my future for an ugly little costa rican mijo) that everyone attacked because of its obvious stupidity, I would make up other reasons for my decision as well. I would definitely blame my family. And I'm not even being sarcastic this time; I really understand what she did in this respect. I'm NOT saying it's right. Often the most common and easiest decision is not the best one.

So she's leaving and we never talked. She never attempted to speak to me. I guess I didn't try very hard either, but at least I made the last move. I basically told her, a couple days before coming home and a couple days before I left for college, that it was shady for forgetting my birthday (and she later "forgot" Fragola's as well) especially when we all agreed to buy each other gifts from Tiffany's. I hope she loves the neckace we each spent $40 on for her birthday. Because she doesn't deserve a penny of it. Enjoy.

I told her that it was great how she changed her flight home to the day before I left for college so that the most I would see her was once before leaving. I knew she wouldn't come say goodbye though, and I told her that. I was right. Birte came and visited me the day I left, so there was no excuse that Sarah couldn't have found a way. I'm sure Birte doesn't know how much it meant to me to see her one last time before she left. I was irritated at both of them at the time, maybe even aggravated, but I got over it a second after seeing Birte. I only grew angrier at Sarah because of her refusal to face up to what she'd done and accept it. I called her out and she couldn't handle it. She has to know she's wrong. I mean, she could be psychotic and not realize her faults- in that case I don't blame her. But she's not, and I do blame her. She had no defense (how could she?), and therefore couldn't confront me. She knew she was wrong and saw it as too much to handle. I wish I could find the letter. Does anyone have a copy of it? Anyway, I wrote the letter sardonically, knowing she would understand my mock politeness. I THANKED her, basically, for being a bitch. It was a very nicely written letter in my opinion and I don't regret a word. It reflected not only my opinion but the opinions of all the others involved. It's funny how I'm the only one who gets the priviledge of her wrath.

It's a common theme of my life- I'm the only one to really speak up and I experience the consequences. People have so much to say until they're faced with confrontation and they clam up. It's just like the problem with Jess and Dave- everyone was fine talking behind their backs but were scared shitless at the thought of speaking to their faces. And the best thing we could have done (as KC and I later did) was talk to Jess.

Sarah has this problem as well. I don't know why it is so hard for her to talk to me. I consider myself a reasonable, understanding person. I would have listened to her argument and given her my point of view. Even if I seem harsh, I'm always willing to give another chance. As much as I don't want to admit it, if she suddenly realizes how badly she fucked up and comes back desperate and in need, I would be there to help her. As much as I hate her, and believe me I DO, I couldn't turn her away. I'll be here even after years of stressing over her forgetting me and excluding me from having fun with out mutual friends.

But that's not what I want to talk about. Because even though I know that I have that aspect in my character, I am furious at what she's done (and is still doing), not just to me but everyone else surrounding her. I want to know, how can she be so selfish? How can she seriously not think about her actions? Everything that Molly described in her blog, all of it- I just want to know how she lives with herself. How is she so insensitive?

You're right Molly. She's just a really really bad person.

Hey. Maybe she contracted AIDs in Costa Rica and is afraid to tell us, so she's going back there to die happily. In that case, I don't blame her. Good job Sarah. In any other case, you're a bitch. But if you have AIDs, I'm here for you. You know, AIDs in espanol is SIDA.




So...Sarah...it seems like we've got a lot to talk about. I want an apology. I want to forgive you. I want to leave this behind us, but you won't let me. It hurts less being able to realize what a mistake you're making and knowing that karma will repay you. You'll get kicked in the ass twice as hard. But for now, I will concentrate on being happy myself. I feel much better getting this out and I feel like I'm already putting you behind me. Have fun in your third world country.