Supercalifuckingwhatever

So movie night didn't go as planned. I'm not saying that in a bad way, just different. Instead of having the girls over (and yes, I know I sound 50 saying it like that), it was just Birte and Alex. Frag is sick and probably dying, though I hope not, and Molly is in San Francisco. Birte only stayed for one movie. So it wasn't much of a movie night...but we still had fun.

What I'm REALLY excited for, though, is BIG BEAR. We're leaving right after I get home for work (although I still need to pack...is that a problem?) and head up the mountain. It'll only take a couple hours, and I'll soon be in the cabin that I grew up going to almost every winter. I love that place. I'm happy just thinking about it. And it makes it even better that Alex is going with us. It would be perfect if Ava had a friend to keep her away from me, and if Molly was still coming, but I'm still incredibly excited. I can't forget the yellow sled.

My dad is picking up Alex on his way home from work. I hope it's nice and awkward. Hah. Actually it's kind of weird how much my parents seem to like Alex. Probably because he sucks up to them every chance he gets. He even laughs at my dad's stupid jokes. Or like when my dad puts a stool cushion on his head and thinks it's funny- Alex pretends it is too. Stupido. My mom REALLY likes him though. I don't know why, he's really not that great. Es chiste!!!

I love you...

How's My Driving? Call 1-800-FUC-KOFF

lots of profanity in my blog titles recently, huh? i'm just that kind of girl.

let's review instructions on how to drive while simultaneously making fun of Alex for being a blind idiot. maybe just an idiot.

*disclaimer- I can say that because I love him. That's just how it works.

Anyway...you know how you make a 3-point turn when you have an SUV and you're trying to turn around a small street? Let's say you're parked on one side of the street and have to move your car to the other side because of street cleaning or something like that. And you're turning around, almost at the curb, definitely in need of backing up one more time. But you don't REALLY see the curb even though you know it's there, or you're too lazy to back up. So you first scrape the curb a little. You realize that you're almost up the curb. You keep going. You run over the curb for the entire length of the car and leave black tire marks all along the curb. Finally, your car gracefully thumps down from the curb and back into the street. You ask, "Did I just run over the curb?" You're an idiot.



Yeah. That's what you get for making fun of me when I parked on Molly's hill next to her car so that no cars could pass through.

yo what the fuuuck, man

There are some things I just love, some things that make me warm for no apparent reason. Like when I get in the car and turn on the radio and one of my favorite songs is on. Or pumpkin ice cream that only comes around once a year. I'll miss it dearly. Then there are some weird things, like when you make a bunch of copies of something and the paper is warm. I love holding a great big stack of warm paper. Yeah that's weird. But I'm at work and what else is there to be excited about? Not much. I love freshly cut flowers. I'm not even trying to be cliche, there's just something about a bright pink and red bouquet that makes me happy. I can't help but smile when my mom gives me a pot of flowers for Christmas.

I've been eating ALL of my boss' pretzels. I wonder if he notices. He'll understand- I have to eat to survive!

Tonight I hear there's a bonfire at Dockweiler beach. I should go so I can reminisce about the old days. Back when we used to smoke a joint in the car on the way there and then smoke some more at the beach and create gigantic roaring fires that jump out of the pit and almost burn people. Oh, good times.

I should finish Ulrika's blanket soon. Tomorrow I want to have a movie day at my house with good people. Not too many people. Maybe just Fragola and Bird. I'll see.

And then...Friday afternoon we leave for our cabin in Big Bear. And by "we", I mean mother, father, sister (and maybe her friend), my lover and myself. We're staying until Sunday or Monday or something. I should know that...oh well. Alex almost cancelled on me but I said OH NO BITCH. So I set the boy straight.

I'm in such a weird mood right now. Can you tell? Maybe it's the caffeine. Yes, I'm living on diet coke and pretzels again. mm mm good.

'Tis the Season

So I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm sorry. It was a combination of being too busy and having computer/internet problems. Hopefully that's all fixed now. It's kind of dumb feeling like I owe my blog an apology for ignoring it for a couple days. I did the same thing with my diary when I kept one. That's even crazier- at least people read my blog. Well I never said I was sane.

I'm going to put up some pictures because writing is just too damn difficult at the moment. And I'm technically supposed to be working...

ECSTASY

I never wrote about the exhibit I went to last week. And it was one definitely worth mentioning so I'd rather be late than never to enlighten you re: the magic of drugs.

You don't have to read the following, I just think it's interesting.

MOCA PRESENTS GROUNDBREAKING EXHIBITION EXAMINING ALTERED STATES OF PERCEPTION

LOS ANGELES — Ecstasy: In and About Altered States features works from 1990 to the present by 30 artists whose works experiment with transcending everyday physical and mental conditions. Each artist in Ecstasy enacts his or her own intervention into human consciousness by calling attention to mechanisms of perception and expanding notions of reality. The exhibition opens October 9, 2005 at The Geffen Contemporary at MOCA (152 North Central Avenue in downtown Los Angeles), occupying the entire building, and remains on view through February 20, 2006.

"MOCA historically has presented large thematic exhibitions highlighting current issues and the work of emerging artists, including A Forest of Signs: Art in the Crisis of Representation, Helter Skelter: L.A. Art in the 1990s, and Public Offerings," said MOCA Director Jeremy Strick. "The museum continues this tradition by presenting Ecstasy, a fascinating examination of artists' interpretations of perception in contemporary art."

Organized by MOCA Chief Curator Paul Schimmel with the assistance of MOCA Project Coordinator Gloria Sutton, Ecstasy brings together imaginative works that create a heightened sensory experience for the viewer that elicits myriad responses, including awe and surprise, humor and delight, even confusion and sublime contemplation. The exhibition includes a wide spectrum of artistic practices, such as installation, painting, sculpture, video, photography, and new media of many new or rarely exhibited works by both established and emerging artists: Franz Ackermann, Eija-Liisa Ahtila, Francis Alÿs, Chiho Aoshima, assume vivid astro focus, Massimo Bartolini, Tatsurou Bashi, Glenn Brown, Janet Cardiff and George Bures Miller, Olafur Eliasson, Lara Favaretto, Sylvie Fleury, Tom Friedman, Rodney Graham, Jeppe Hein, Carsten Höller, Pierre Huyghe, Ann Veronica Janssens, Ann Lislegaard, Matt Mullican, Takashi Murakami, Paul Noble, Roxy Paine, Charles Ray, Erwin Redl, Pipilotti Rist, Paul Sietsema, Fred Tomaselli, and Klaus Weber.

Ecstasy explores two distinct areas of perceptional experimentation. The first, more representational vein of the exhibition includes works which either represent or incorporate actual pharmaceutical and organic drugs or works representing altered states that the artists themselves have undergone, while the second area consists of works that are designed to simulate or evoke an altered experience for the viewer. Some of the artists in the exhibition have produced bodies of work that fall into both representational and experiential categories. For example, in Charles Ray's self portrait, Yes (1990), the artist presents a life-size photograph of himself under the influence of LSD in a convex frame, mounted on a convex wall of exactly the same angle. The work appears to be perpendicular to the floor at first glance, but one quickly perceives the alteration of space.

The representational thread often addresses the relationship between creativity and altered states induced by mind-altering drugs. In Narcoturismo (1996), Francis Alÿs traces the experience of walking through various neighborhoods in Copenhagen, under the influence of a different narcotic substance each day on his visit, through an 8x10 inch framed typed text piece that matter-of-factly lists each of the drugs taken. In Rodney Graham's 26-minute video, Halcion Sleep (1994), he documents his sleepy ride in the back of a van through the rainy streets of Vancouver after consuming the drug Halcion.

Examples of artists who represent or incorporate actual pharmaceutical and organic drugs in their works include Tom Friedman, whose Untitled (1995) is a gelatine pill capsule filled with tiny spheres of multi-colored Play-Doh. Fred Tomaselli's new large-scale mosaic-like object, Organism (2005), incorporates leaves of organic substances and other materials covered in layers of glossy clear resin. By locking the inanimate forms together, Tomaselli mimics processes of embalming fossilization. Roxy Paine's Psilocybe Cubensis Field (1997) is a simulation of 2,200 "magic" mushrooms installed as if they are growing out of the gallery floor. Super Nova (1999), by Takashi Murakami, features images of mushrooms in kaleidoscopic colors on a frieze-like surface, suggesting a psychedelic version of reality.

The experiential thread is frequently manifested in interactive installations and built environments in which artists use disjunctions in scale or the disruption of spatial orientation to affect a change for the viewer. Stockholm-based Carsten Höller's Upside Down Mushroom Room (2000) features several three-meter high sculptures of psychotropic mushrooms inverted and suspended from the ceiling. Spinning at various speeds and reaching down to eye level, the giant mushrooms seem to have spouted from above, further heightening the hallucinatory experience. In Ann Veronica Janssens's projection installation, Donut (2003), the viewer is subjected to regular intervals of flashing color that fills a darkened room with a series of concentric circles of soothing blues and greens, creating a vertiginous spell. The work addresses loss of control and the absence of fixed materiality through a sensory experience that tests one's cognitive reflexes. Danish artist Jeppe Hein elicits disorientation through the subtle alteration of the gallery space in Invisible Moving Wall (2002). Gliding at an almost imperceptible pace, a gallery wall slowly begins to close in, generating a sense of confusion and uneasiness. Olafur Eliasson's Your strange certainty still kept (1996) is an environmental installation using large droplets of water and strobe lights to create a photographic effect that disassociates the visitor from her/his physical surroundings. Specially made for the exhibition, Tatsurou Bashi's Kariforunia (2005) changes the way visitors perceive the edifices they encounter everyday. The work consists of a constructed living room, supported by a scaffolding structure, situated 30 feet above the ground around the Los Angeles City Hall flagpole bearing the California state flag. Visitors can access the room by climbing a secured staircase where they will see the flag, which previously waved high above the heads of busy pedestrians in downtown Los Angeles, re-positioned at eye level.

Other artists such as Chiho Aoshima, Janet Cardiff and George Bures Miller, and Pipilotti Rist simulate dream-like hypnotic states using audio and large film projections. Aoshima's City Glow (2005) is a large-scale, multi-screen, digital animation portraying a fantastical futuristic city of skyscrapers transformed into demure, worm-like creatures with human faces. Cardiff and Miller's The Muriel Lake Incident (1999) is a 4x4 foot diorama of a miniature movie theater with a video projection and sound elements recorded in a full-size theater heard through headphones. The aural expansiveness of the recording contrasts with the diminutive scale of the moving image, creating a sense of hyper-reality. Rist's installation of two video projections on transparent curtains, Related Legs (2001), presents a psychedelic environment of images, layered upon one another, that mix dream sequences with reality.

The exhibition also features artists relatively new to Los Angeles audiences, including Lara Favaretto, Ann Lislegaard, and Klaus Weber. Favaretto's Confetti Canyon (2005) is a performance that will take place on the exhibition’s opening night in which paper confetti is shot from two cannons over the heads of museum-goers. Lislegaard's installation I-You-Later-There (2000) consists of a leaning vertical platform onto which flashes of blinding light are projected while in an audio component, a female voice describes her experiences of domestic life. Experienced in a darkened gallery, the work disorients the viewer's perception of physical reality, while imbuing it with new psychological and social significance. In Weber's LSD Fountain (2003), diluted LSD trickles through the spouts of a three-tiered Victorian crystal fountain.

"In today’s culture, where we are constantly bombarded with sensory stimuli, Ecstasy explores the boundaries in which the virtual and real become blurred through our experiences," said MOCA Chief Curator Paul Schimmel. "The works in this exhibition participate in this cultural movement and function as a conduit between the mind of the artist and that of the viewer through the emergence of new perspectives on our increasingly complex reality."

Sarita Chiquita...Bonita?

I remember when we were friends. We used to talk on the phone for hours every night. We'd talk about her fantasies, her obsession with Paul, her freaky fetishes. Now I realize it was all about her. I didn't mind because I love to listen. I'm not that person who goes on and on about myself, it's just not me. But I also believe that there should be some sort of reciprocity in a friendship. It should never be all about one person. And that's why I think Molly and I get along so well; we both give each other a chance to talk and we both care about each other's opinions. With Sarah, though, it was all about her. She had a problem with this or that and it was my job to try to fix it. I'd boost her self esteem and hide my own insecurites. Keep in mind, this is quite a few years ago, but we definitely had a bond for awhile that was stronger than I had with many of my friends. It's hard to believe today that we were so close because of our current situation. But if I was really the bitch that she accuses me of being, I would reveal those sensitive little secrets that she shared with me. I would tear her reputation apart with the priviledged information I hold.

But I won't.

I will, however, share how I feel about her and show that, as Molly wrote, she is a bad person and doesn't deserve our friendship. Sure, it hurt like a bitch to think that she could so easily dispose of me. I wasn't even angry or hurt that I was losing a great friend; I think I knew subconsciously for awhile that neither of us wanted to deal with each other any longer. I was angry that I didn't get any closure, that she was too chicken shit to stand up to me to tell me how she felt, to give me a reason for her avoiding me and telling everyone else what she should have told ME. I thought we'd have an opportunity to talk this past Monday when we were all supposed to hang out with Benke, but she changed her mind and decided not to come because I was going. So I lost my chance to ask her what the problem is. I still don't know if she's angry about the message I wrote her about ignoring us while she was in Costa Rica or if there's another deeper rooted problem. I wish she would have communicated with me in times like that, times where I wanted to talk things over but she was too afraid of confrontation and so left me with nothing. I was deprived of an explanation and I still want one.

But she leaves for Costa Rica today. For whatever reason, I don't even care any more. If I had a plan (like giving up my future for an ugly little costa rican mijo) that everyone attacked because of its obvious stupidity, I would make up other reasons for my decision as well. I would definitely blame my family. And I'm not even being sarcastic this time; I really understand what she did in this respect. I'm NOT saying it's right. Often the most common and easiest decision is not the best one.

So she's leaving and we never talked. She never attempted to speak to me. I guess I didn't try very hard either, but at least I made the last move. I basically told her, a couple days before coming home and a couple days before I left for college, that it was shady for forgetting my birthday (and she later "forgot" Fragola's as well) especially when we all agreed to buy each other gifts from Tiffany's. I hope she loves the neckace we each spent $40 on for her birthday. Because she doesn't deserve a penny of it. Enjoy.

I told her that it was great how she changed her flight home to the day before I left for college so that the most I would see her was once before leaving. I knew she wouldn't come say goodbye though, and I told her that. I was right. Birte came and visited me the day I left, so there was no excuse that Sarah couldn't have found a way. I'm sure Birte doesn't know how much it meant to me to see her one last time before she left. I was irritated at both of them at the time, maybe even aggravated, but I got over it a second after seeing Birte. I only grew angrier at Sarah because of her refusal to face up to what she'd done and accept it. I called her out and she couldn't handle it. She has to know she's wrong. I mean, she could be psychotic and not realize her faults- in that case I don't blame her. But she's not, and I do blame her. She had no defense (how could she?), and therefore couldn't confront me. She knew she was wrong and saw it as too much to handle. I wish I could find the letter. Does anyone have a copy of it? Anyway, I wrote the letter sardonically, knowing she would understand my mock politeness. I THANKED her, basically, for being a bitch. It was a very nicely written letter in my opinion and I don't regret a word. It reflected not only my opinion but the opinions of all the others involved. It's funny how I'm the only one who gets the priviledge of her wrath.

It's a common theme of my life- I'm the only one to really speak up and I experience the consequences. People have so much to say until they're faced with confrontation and they clam up. It's just like the problem with Jess and Dave- everyone was fine talking behind their backs but were scared shitless at the thought of speaking to their faces. And the best thing we could have done (as KC and I later did) was talk to Jess.

Sarah has this problem as well. I don't know why it is so hard for her to talk to me. I consider myself a reasonable, understanding person. I would have listened to her argument and given her my point of view. Even if I seem harsh, I'm always willing to give another chance. As much as I don't want to admit it, if she suddenly realizes how badly she fucked up and comes back desperate and in need, I would be there to help her. As much as I hate her, and believe me I DO, I couldn't turn her away. I'll be here even after years of stressing over her forgetting me and excluding me from having fun with out mutual friends.

But that's not what I want to talk about. Because even though I know that I have that aspect in my character, I am furious at what she's done (and is still doing), not just to me but everyone else surrounding her. I want to know, how can she be so selfish? How can she seriously not think about her actions? Everything that Molly described in her blog, all of it- I just want to know how she lives with herself. How is she so insensitive?

You're right Molly. She's just a really really bad person.

Hey. Maybe she contracted AIDs in Costa Rica and is afraid to tell us, so she's going back there to die happily. In that case, I don't blame her. Good job Sarah. In any other case, you're a bitch. But if you have AIDs, I'm here for you. You know, AIDs in espanol is SIDA.




So...Sarah...it seems like we've got a lot to talk about. I want an apology. I want to forgive you. I want to leave this behind us, but you won't let me. It hurts less being able to realize what a mistake you're making and knowing that karma will repay you. You'll get kicked in the ass twice as hard. But for now, I will concentrate on being happy myself. I feel much better getting this out and I feel like I'm already putting you behind me. Have fun in your third world country.

Pretzels and Diet Coke

yummm. there's all the sustenance i'll get until 4:00 today. I had no time for breakfast at home and no money for lunch. I don't see my wallet right now and I'm really worried. I must have left it in the car accidentally. Damn you Alex for making me spend so much money yesterday. I think I have $2 left. And I had about $50. No, more. Gas is fucking expensive. But I saved a bunch getting it in the ghetto where it's $2.17 and not $2.39 like in Brentwood. I guess I'll go to the bank sometime later. Not that there's any money there either but you can always try. Who wants to donate money to the Aline Foundation??? I promise you, it will go to a great cause- like going to the Improv tonight to see Chelsea Handler. Definitely necessary for my survival.

Watch her:
http://www.chelsea-handler.com/SUArchive.htm

Oops

I worked here all last year and used a really old PC that didn't really work and screwed up a lot of the time. When I had nothing to do, I would go on myspace or aim. When I got to work yesterday, though, the old computer was gone and replaced by a new laptop. My boss told me that the other one had a lot of problems because of things being downloaded and that it had to be replaced. He gave me strict orders not to download anything. Today he tells me that I must have downloaded aim or something and that it really messed with the old compuer. Who would have known that a simple application could cause so much damage on an old computer!?!?

Well that explains why I won't be on aim during the day anymore. And Blake thought we'd all get online and talk to each other the second we got home. Look how wrong he was. I win.

Where Oh Where Has My Little Sock Gone?

Oh Where Oh Where can it be?
I went to sleep wearing two socks, and woke up with one. Craziness.

So...I tried to get pictures up on photobucket last night but they didn't work. The only one I had time for this morning was this:

He's a big boy...


I have a feeling I'll be writing a hell of a lot at work. Right now I have nothing to do except wait for my boss to arrive because I did everything he needed me to do yesterday. If only I was a slow worker, then I wouldn't be this bored.


Today I might be going on a date, depending on whether I accept or reject the one asking.

Hey...Alex...I just realized we're just like the movie Crazy/Beautiful. You're the crazy mexican and I'm the beautiful blonde. Hah. (minus the beautiful of course. And I'm nowhere near being a rich bitch either. Too bad. And Ulrika don't even think about telling me I'm not blonde.)
It's perfect, the movie was even filmed at our high school.

I spent waaay too much on my mom's Christmas present yesterday, but it was perfect and I had to buy it. I just had to. My momma is obsessed with David Bowie and I found a really great book with lots of pretty pictures...so I had to get it. I just can't spend any money the rest of break (except buying more presents). I fucking hate being broke.

Good Morning, Westbourne Capital Management...

Now I'm at work. I've been home for less than three days and I'm already back into my old summer routine, waking up at 8 in the morning and rushing off to work at my exciting desk job. If only money wasn't so damn important (or if I HAD any)- I'd be relaxing at the Ritz Carlton somehere in San Diego and eating their delicious nachos by the pool. Let's pretend it's warm outside too. OK, I know I can't complain about the weather but it's really not THAT much warmer here in LA than Portland. I mean, it is...but...yeah, I guess you get used to it quickly here because I'm already too cold in the morning to get out of bed. I had to wear a jacket AND coat this morning, so that really tells you something. It's cold.

Anyway, the last three days have been great. Ulrika Molly Burke picked me up from the airport because my parents don't love me and she took me to my house where we got ready for the concert. I missed Molly sooooo much!!! Birte arrived soon after and we all (Molly, Birte, my parents, sister, Alex and I) decided to meet at Tip's, a Thai restaurant where the owners have become friends of the family. Everyone who works there is related- it is truly a family business. A while back, they had some problems with some kind of building regulations that they were clueless on, and my dad took it upon himself to help them out. He helped get their business back together, now following all the government restrictions, and today it is a thriving restaurant with ultra-cheap and delicious food and, most of all, wonderfully friendly service. Once in awhile, they give us presents from Thailand such as bottles of those origami paper stars, cookies and chocolates. Every time I go to Tip's, I feel like part of the family. We've been going there for about 14 years now, maybe more, and I love taking everyone I know, both to support their business and give them the experience that I love. Mostly because I love the food.

So we went to Tip's and then walked a block to the Wiltern, where my dad works (upstairs where the flags are, not FOR the Wiltern) and where the 311 concert was. Alien Ant Farm opened and then 311 played until 11. We all thought it ended a bit early- don't commercial popular bands' concerts usually end around midnight? The concert was great, and it was even better being with Molly and Birte again. We left the Wiltern and drove back to my house where we all squeezed into my bed and stayed up talking.

The next morning I woke up bright and early to run to Planned Parenthood for some anti-baby pills. Thank you KC for introducing me to such a wonderful name for birth control and Malka for giving me two months worth when I realized I would actually be having sex. A lot. Except when I'm not with Alejandro of course. So this time I got my own. I forced Alex to go with me because I REALLY didn't want to go but knew I had to. Being with him made it a million times easier. Maybe even a billion. He acted like my bitch, getting the paperwork and clipboard and even bringing a pen- probably because he knew I was uncomfortable, and he loves me. It was finally over and we went to Benihanas for lunch. I got more fried rice than Alex. Hah.

That night was Alex's cousin, Jesus' 18th birthday party. So I met the son of God. Jealous much? Anyway...I'll explain the night. Alex picked up his bong from home and we drove for what seemed like forever into the valley past Chesebro where the Umheys live (and that's FAR). We were told the party was starting around 9-10 and we got there around 10:15 I think. No one was there. Apparently it changed to start around 11. So I met Jesus' parents (Alex's aunt and uncle), both of whom were sweet- but especially his mom. Now I love her because she said I was pretty. She must be crazy but I love her all the same. My favorite people at the party were Jesus and Edwin. Edwin is also Alex's cousin and goes to UC San Jose. They were both freakin hilarious. I wanted to bust out my mexican voice to accompany Edwin's but I was too shy and I didn't want to embarrass myself. They had Alex and I guard Jesus' room to stop people from hooking up in it. They didn't say WE couldn't do anything.

Anyway, we had fun. I had to be home sometime between the party and going to the zoo, so we drove home at 5-something. I didn't get home until after six, and then I snuck back to my room that isn't connected to the rest of the house, and went to sleep. I was dead tired and only got to sleep a couple hours before waking up to go to the zoo. Alex sure monopolized my time this weekend. He woke me up and I went to pick him up. I called my boss to figure out my hours and Malka on the long drive to Alex's house in the ghetto. I miss my Malka and I need her back soon. KC too. I need to call her. She can call me too though, the stupid whore. JKJK I love you. I'll call you both when I'm off work at one. I miss all my reedies, dammit. If I were rich I would totally fly them ALL out to LA to visit me.

So we went to the zoo. Why does everyone think that's weird? You don't have to be 6 years old to go to the zoo and enjoy it. We had bunches of fun and Alex even witnessed a lion mating session. He was a real one minute "man". Unfortunately, there was no elefant or camel riding. I want to put up some pictures we took but I'll have to do that later when I can find the cord to transfer the pics to my sister's computer.

I dropped Alex off and haven't seen him since. I should count the number of hours we spent together since I've been home. I know it's a hell of a lot. It's so hard letting go of him, even when I know it will only be a day until we see each other again.

Let's jump to today, Monday the 19th of December. I realized a couple days ago how close it is to Christmas. And my family doesn't even have a tree. No Christmas lights, no tree. How fucking sad. Even my dorm had Christmas lights. Either way, I have to buy people presents- and FAST. I need to make Ulrika's blanket and figure out how to get everyone else that I love presents without spending shitloads of money. I have some creative ideas but not enough. I have to try my hardest not to empty out my bank account. I can rationalize that I can spend money because I'll be working and earning money all break. Hopefully lots of money. I think I'll increase my hours starting tomorrow. I'll work 9-4 or something. And I'll probably be incredibly bored and write blogs at least twice a day. This will be the backlash that KC and Malka are asking for. If you want me to write blogs, then FINE I will. You just wait, you'll be swamped with all the reading I give you. Maybe I'll even start my own novel. Hah.

When I said let's jump to today, I had intended to write about my plans for the rest of the day but somehow I got sidetracked. Around 2:00, I'm going to Benke's house with Ulrika and Fragola Beans. We're all going to hang out, maybe eat some late lunch, and then go Christmas shopping. I don't know where we're going but I have a feeling that Fragola and Benke will be the only ones buying expensive gifts. Speaking of which, what the hell should I get my family for Christmas??? I'll have to brainstorm that later. Anyway, I know there will be a good fill of gossip at this meeting, tons of catching up. We have bunches to talk about, since much has gone on in the four(?) months since I've seen Benke. I can't wait! Well, I'm off to pretend that I have something to do in this last hour before I get off work. Peace and chicken grease.

The Pomegranate, At Last

No, I'm not blogging right now because my wise, compelling words are in such high demand. (Although it's very true that they are) I'm writing now because I'm bored in my room on my sister's computer listening to christmas music. And my dad just turned the internet back on. He fucked it up to punish my sister...and fucked me up on the way. Go figure.

Well, I started writing some things in the hours of boredom that I was stuck in the airport and I intended to post it, so I might as well write it now. Pretend it's Friday December 16th- it shouldn't be too hard. Here goes...

Endless waiting in the airport has begun to render me delirious. The PA announcements have started to sound like CIA spy codes. They tell Catherine Donaldson to go to a white phone and press 0 for a message. Sounds pretty sketchy to me. Oh my god I just said sketchy. I should go to a white phone and press 0 and see what happens. I am here so early that I'm far too early for the flight leaving before mine, departing for Phoenix at 11:50. Here I am, three hours before my plane leaves, already bored to death.

The past few days I've thought of many things to blog about but never found time to do it. It's funny how I can always find time when I have 5,000 pages to read for humanities or a paper hanging over my head, but now that I have tons of time and no excuse not to write, I'm unable to crank something out. Whatever. I'll do it.

Molly lent me a book, Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich that I'm reading and loving. Halfway through the first chapter, I realized that Tracks (which I read a couple years ago and loved) was written by the same author and that many of the characters are the same in both books. It's especially fun learning different perspectives on the characters that I already know.

The airport, as everyone acknowledges, is a great people-watching arena. Sometimes I think the dumbest of the dumbest collect at the airport. How is it that there are so many idiots out there? You'd think that natural selection would have weeded them out by now. I just want to know why the stupid people are still breeding. (NoFx anyone?) I don't mean people with simply lower intelligence, because I know many great people who aren't so bright but have amazing hearts. (Forrest Gump, for example- and YES, I do know him personally. Forrest Gump, not Tom Hanks.) I mean the assholes who yell at their wives on the phone at the airport for insignificant issues and the girls who talk shit on their cell phones in ebonics for hours straight, feet on the seats and caked with four inches of makeup. Someone should tell them, you're not hot. Grow Up.

Anyway...enough of my current observations. I have too much to reflect on re: the last few days. I was getting extremely worried about seeing Birte before the 311 concert without speaking to her first. I had no clue where she stood on the situation or how anything would play out. Then, a few days before returning home, Alex and I saw her online and decided to invite her to a group chat. My heart started racing just as it did each time we called her and each time we sent her a myspace message. I got nervous every time we tried to contact her because I knew how sensitive I had to be to everything; saying something stupid could have extreme consequences. Like losing a friendship. Which, to me, is obviously the worst thing that could possibly happen. Birte entered the chatroom. No one knew what to say. All three of us stared at our screens waiting for someone to initiate a conversation. Then, almost at the same time, Alex and I said hi. We had no idea how Birte was feeling or how she would react. She said hello. We told her we were worried when she didn't respond to our attempts at getting in touch with her. She told us that she needed time. She thought things over and said she understood where we were coming from. I thought it was too good to be true. I had been bracing myself for drama and tension and exclusion from our mutual friends, but there was no need anymore! If I thought I was relieved by the end of finals, I truly learned the feeling of relief with this convo. I was so happy. I told Alex in a seperate IM how I felt and we spoke about how great this sudden change was. We were exhilarated. The rest of the conversation was not at all awkward and, in fact, pleasant. I was so happy that I didn't quite know what to say, or know how to make conversation, but we continued talking until Birte had to leave. Now I couldn't wait for the concert.

Speaking of leaving, I've got to run but I'll finish up my stories later. Love you, buh bye.

NO KACEY

i won't update my blog.

i have too much to say so i won't attempt to say it now. maybe later tonight when i'm drunk.


shit. in saying this, i am actually listening to your request. i always give into your antics. fuck.

Peace, at last

I feel like such a weight has been lifted. The amount of work and stress leading up to my finals today was insane. I'm not even worried about my psychology test on Thursday, I'm just glad today is over. I'm not one to dwell on things- I like to finish and forget about it. I'm not that person who wants to go over every question and analyze tests like it's going to change anything.

Walking back to my dorm, finished with finals, I felt entirely relaxed. For the first time in weeks, I could look out at the bare, leafless trees and frozen lake and accept it for the beautiful scenery that it is. The tranquility that Reed omits is usually overshadowed by endless studying. On most days, I'm too preoccupied with whatever is on my mind to look out and enjoy the canyon. I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to jump into cleaning and packing right after finals. I just want to relax. My brain is so overloaded, I just need to be dumb for a month. And that’s exactly what I’ll do. LOS ANGELES HERE I COME!!!!

sheer genius

right here

Creo en Dios

Things I've found interesting while studying:


El asesino se pone pálido. Tiene miedo. Sale de la casa y corre a lo largo del río. -501 Spanish Verbs

And what a long time it's been since you've celebrated Aphrodite's holy mysteries. -Lysistrata

Virginity, virginity, where have you gone and left me? -Sappho

Like a Thracian or Phrygian drawing beer out of a straw, she sucked away, head forward, working hard...his prick, like that of a he-ass from Priene well-fed with grain, spilled over... -Archilochus

She has nothing beautiful or charming about her, nothing delightful or lovely. She is mad for bed and lovemaking, but any man who lies with her she sickens with disgust. -Semonides

There is no outrage in drinking as much as you can hold and still make your way home without an attendant, unless you are very old indeed. Praise that man of men who when he has drunk brings worthy things to light. -Xenophanes

Murder. The house breathes with murder- bloody shambles!...I know that odour. I smell the open grave. -Cassandra in Agamemnon

Schedule

I need to make a rigid structured schedule for the next two days before my Humanities and Spanish finals.

SUNDAY:
7-8 wake up, shower
8-10 spanish workbook and flashcards (starting from ch. 10 going backwards)
11-12 spanish lab (recent chapters)
12-12:30 lunch
12:30-2 herodotus
2-4 thucydides
4-4:50 finish reading ch's 9 and 10 of aristotle (speed read!)
4:50-6 spanish tutor in library
6-7 dinner
7-9 socrates/plato/aristotle
9-9:30 break?
9:30-11 spanish again
11-? sleep/talk to alex

MONDAY
7-8 wake up, shower
8-11 review humanities, go over passages that might be on ID's. look up past tests, read stuff on the humanities website, use resources that you're usually too lazy to take advantage of!
11-12 spanish workbook or lab
12-12:30 lunch
12:30-3 more humanities
3-6 spanish spanish spanish!!!
6-7 dinner
7-12 whatever is needed most, do that. you'll know at the time.
12 sleep so you can wake up bright and early for the 8:00 Hum final!

TUESDAY
8-12 Hum final
1-4 Spanish final
night........celebrate the end of finals (though not the end of tests)........get SHITFACED


*do NOT think about Alex. do NOT get distracted!!!

Not quite a Jesus bird

While looking for a picture of other Jesus birds, I found this unfortunate duck which is much more worthy of being on a blog. Apparently this duck wasn't so lucky; it couldn't walk on water like the others. Poor soul.

Walking on Water

Right now the LAST thing I should be doing is blogging. But, like KC warned me, it's addicting. Right now I have so much to do that I don't know where to start. It's completely overwhelming. And so far this morning, I've gotten almost nothing done. I don't know what's wrong with me. I woke up literally in fear of all that I have to do. I'm afraid to make a list now of all that I have to learn in the time up until my finals on Tuesday. I was afraid to get up because I knew that once I did, I'd have to get to work- and the sheer amount of SHIT that I have waiting for me is terrifying. I just want to deny it, to continue looking at iTunes TV series and music videos (which I just discovered today and am thoroughly amazed) or go onto myspace and facebook. And, of course, do exactly what I'm doing now. It's easier for me to push it aside because if I think about it, I'll fucking break down. I can't believe how much I don't know and how horribly I'm going to do on my finals. I'm going to fail everything. And I still have to write my Hum paper. I think I'll turn it in late tonight. I don't care if it's a day late. I don't want all this pressure. I just want to talk to Alex and let all my worries disappear. I need an escape. I decided to work tonight instead of going to the Winter Formal. It's not like I have someone to go with anyway. (Alex come back!) I'll pretend this is high school and it's not cool to go to any school functions. Even though this is Reed and everything is cool here.

Speaking of cool...the lake/pond/canyon/gross body of water started freezing over today. I think Ray and I were the only ones AMAZED by this. We threw sticks at the ice and watched it crack. FUN SHIT!!! I don't know what's so cool about ice, or lakes freezing over- it's probably because neither of us get any of that at home. There were birds walking on the frozen ice, which we called Jesus birds. I want to try to walk on water and be Jesus. To inspire me, I'm listening to the Violent Femmes' "Jesus Walking on Water". Too bad I weigh 5,000 pounds and would crack through that ice like an anvil.

The pain of living in dorms

I can't believe I haven't written about this earlier.

OKAY.

Just let me prepare myself for the story I am about to tell. If you are not already sitting down, you may want to take a seat. Brace yourself.


My story begins yesterday evening, about 11 pm. I was walking through Mcgriffley with KC, Blake and Tedros. We were on our way to a party at the Birchwoods. It was a little late to not be drunk, and we wanted to change that. KC is walking in the front, I'm walking almost directly beside Tedros, and Blake is following close behind. Deep into whatever conversation we were having, I turn to Tedros to tell him something.

Just as I turn to the left, my world comes to a complete and utter end. I am stopped mid-step and prevented from walking any further. I can't see. My vision finally comes back and I start to feel it. The entire right side of my face screams as I realize what an idiot I am. My head throbbing, I regain my balance and try to laugh it off as it hurts like hell.

Basically I walked into a door.

No, not the wide flat part of a door but the open edge. That fucking three inches that stick out into the hallway and don't give way when you ram your body into them. Or just your head.

So I ran into a door. Fuck you. I bet you've done worse. After the fact, we realized it was quite funny. The best part was that I was 110% completely SOBER. And I knocked my head fucking hardcore against that door. We couldn't stop laughing, even as the pain penetrated my body. Maybe you had to have been there, but it was incredibly fucking funny. Halfway to the Birchwoods, Tedros is still cracking up. He had the perfect view of my face collapsing; he was in that perfect alignment where he saw the contact, he saw the reaction, and then died of laughter. KC had a pretty good view too. She just looks back and sees me collapse. Oh god. At least something happened last night, since the rest of it was a failure. Well there's my story.



ps- Is it sad that I STILL read Alex's blog about his visit to come see me a month ago? I can't help it, I love reading it... http://alexcantsee.blogspot.com/2005/11/4-days-of-heaven.html

Everything Reminds Me of [Him]

-anyone playing guitar
-interesting shirts
-Disneyland commercials
-my rose sheet that made our sex tent
-MBV and Elliott Smith
-burritos
-bumping my head on the ceiling
-my lotion
-his blue shirt
-spanish class
-even things that I know remind him of me, like my favorite purse from Target or Lucky perfume or Bed Head hair cum

Reason is Powerless in the Expression of Love

However, reason does get me somewhere on the subject of religion. God has never been there for me. I refuse to believe in a God who is ever-powerful and almighty, yet watches a world of chaos and corruption with his all-seeing eyes and does nothing to intervene. I am simply unable to accept this. I continue to maintain that I accept the faith of others and am not trying to convert them in any way. One quote that I think someone with an alternate viewpoint may understand is this:

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” [Stephen F Roberts]

I think it's a pretty powerful statement that forces the believer to question why he believes exactly what he believes. Maybe it's just me.

I wasn't always this opposed to my Catholic upbringing. For awhile I took comfort in creating my own version of God so that I could appease my objections toward the hypocrisy of religion and still have faith. I believed in a God who basically created the earth and universe, and then left it there. I believed that he was an asshole, that he sits around all day and watches us, but does nothing to intervene in our affairs. Maybe not that he necessarily couldn't, but that he didn't. He put us here and said "Have fun, guys. Go fuck up this divine world I've created for you." And we gave Him just what he wanted.

A very useful website on the philosophy of religion which, contrary to most sites, is not geared toward conversion to any religion is http://www.philosophyofreligion.info/

I think I've put much more thought into religion than most who blindly believe what they are taught. I give much more respect to those who question their religion and decide if it is fitting. The more you deliberate, the more you discover about yourself and the more you learn to be an independent thinker. I've always questioned things, from the existence of the Easter Bunny to the existence of God. It just so happens that I came to the same conclusion with both of them.

I usually stay away from talking about my beliefs, as they are incredibly controversial and I try not to stir up trouble. Once I get started, though, it's hard to shut me up as I have so much enthusiasm for my beliefs. I should create a new religion, the Church of Aline. Damn, it would be hottt.





There are a few arguments used to prove the existence of God, none of which satisfy my questions and doubts. I've summarized them, but a more comprehensive account can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atheism


Pascal’s Wager- It is in our best interest to believe in God regarding afterlife. If we believe in God, then if he exists we go to heaven and if he doesn't then it doesn't hurt or help us. If we don't believe in God, then if he exists we go to hell and if he doesn't then it doesn't hurt or help us. So...either believe and possibly go to heaven, or don't believe and possibly go to heaven. I have a few problems with this argument. First of all, in the catholic religion, it does not simply require faith for entry into heaven. Getting into heaven is a bitch, and I probably wouldn't end up there anyway. If I was religious, I would most likely end up in hell anyway.

The Ontological Argument- This argument attempts to prove that God exists through abstract reasoning. This one is much more complicated, and I strongly disagree with it on many levels so I may not explain it very well. Basically, we can not speak of something that exists. To speak of God is in itself proof of His existence. I don't see the rational aspect of this argument, as I can dream up many things that do not exist, yet I have no trouble thinking and even speaking of them. I don't believe that, as this argument states, to say that God does not exist is to contradict oneself.


The Cosmological Argument- There are two types of these, modal (dealing with possibility) and temporal (time). The modal argument asks why the universe exists if it has no purpose. The temporal argument asks when the universe began to exist, as everything must have a beginning. This beginning must have had a cause (as nothing comes from nothing) and therefore must have been brought into existence by something outside of it. This tries to prove the doctrine of Creation. I've heard many other theories about the universe, most summarized to me through my dad (because I could not even begin to understand the quantum physics of the ordeal if I read it in its actual context), so the information is passed down to me in simplified form through a person who is most surely more capable of understanding than I. I don't believe that this gives me any less credibility, especially when I line myself up with those who listen to their priests and pastors without doubt. Time is not finite. How are we to know when something begins and ends? The problem I have with many of these arguments regarding the universe is that we assume that, as humans, we have a certain amount of knowledge about the world that we can't be sure of.

The Teleological Argument- This just says that the universe is just really big and really fucking complex, and that there must be a purpose for this. The only way that all the variables could have turned out right for a universe of life is with something controlling it- it could not simply happen by chance. On the other hand, I like to think of all the other planets that were not as lucky as our wonderful earth, all those that do NOT support life. I say- our biological conditions were fitting. We have the right amount of chemicals in the air, the right amount of water and sunlight, and hey, we got pretty damn lucky. Why is the idea of chance and evolution so incomprehensible? Maybe we really did evolve from apes...

The Moral Argument- There are two types, formal and perfectionist. The first- morality consists of an ultimately authoritative set of commands; where can these commands have come from but a commander that has ultimate authority? The perfectionist moral argument sets up a problem: how can it be that morality requires perfection of us, then morality cannot require of us more than we can give, but that we cannot be perfect? The only way to resolve this paradox, the argument suggests, is to posit the existence of God. I just don't agree. That's all I can say.

The Argument from Religious Experience- This just says that personal religious experiences can prove God’s existence to those that have them. One can only perceive that which exists, and so God must exist because there are those that have experienced him. While religious experiences themselves can only constitute direct evidence of God’s existence for those fortunate enough to have them, the fact that there are many people who testify to having had such experiences constitutes indirect evidence of God’s existence even to those who have not had such experiences themselves. I'll believe it when I get my own religious experience. Or when I'm alone in a desert for months without food and barely any water and I start hallucinating. Yeah, then.


*This is my disclaimer. I hope that my interpretations of these arguments are sufficient. Please feel free to add anything if you feel the need, as I do not claim to be an expert in this field and I understand the weight that this subject places on many people. If you are afraid of blasphemic statements, close your eyes now and walk away from the computer. if you're intrigued by this rebellion, read on...



AND NOW...ARGUMENTS FOR ATHEISM...

This I have copied directly from the aforementioned website on the philosophy of Religion, a website that neither attempts to promote nor denounce Atheism. It simply tells it as it is. So listen up.

The Presumption of Atheism- Atheists often suggest that theirs is the default position, that there is a presumption of atheism. This places the burden of proof on the theist; if the theist is unable to make a persuasive case for the existence of God, then the atheist is justified in his atheism. The case for the presumption of atheism may be made in two ways, one resulting in a presumption of weak atheism, and the other in a presumption of strong atheism.

The Problem of Evil- The problem of evil is the problem of reconciling the existence of an omniscient, omnipotent and benevolent God with the existence of a world full of evil and suffering. If God is omniscient then he knows how to bring it about that there is neither evil nor suffering. If God is omnipotent then he is able to bring it about that there is neither evil nor suffering. If God is benevolent then he wants to bring it about that there is neither evil nor suffering. But if God knows how to, is able to and wants to bring it about that there is neither evil nor suffering, then why does he not do so? The simplest answer is that God does not do so because he does not exist. This is by far the most popular argument for atheism.

Problems With Divine Omnipotence- The doctrine of divine omnipotence is the doctrine that God is all-powerful. It is sometimes argued, however, that the concept of omnipotence is paradoxical, logically incoherent, and so that it is logically impossible that there be any being that is omnipotent. This position, if it can be sustained, precludes the existence of God.

Problems with Divine Omniscience- The doctrine of divine omniscience is the doctrine that God is all-knowing. The doctrine of divine omniscience, though, faces several philosophical objections; there are a number of arguments in the philosophy of religion that purport to demonstrate that God cannot possibly know everything. These include arguments that the doctrine of divine omniscience is logically incoherent, that it is inconsistent with the further Christian doctrine of divine impeccability (i.e. the doctrine that God cannot sin), and that it is refuted by the fact of human freedom. If any of these arguments is successful, then there can be no omniscient God.

Problems with Divine Justice- The doctrine of divine justice is also subject to criticism. First of all, it appears to conflict with the idea that God is forgiving. A just God sees that each person gets what he or she deserves; a forgiving God sees that some people’s sins go unpunished. Second, the Christian view of heaven and hell appear in many ways to be unjust. Hell, for instance, appears to inflict an infinitely great punishment upon those who are sent there. How, though, can any finite sin deserve infinite punishment? Just punishments and rewards are proportionate to the badness or goodness of the person that deserves them. Heaven and hell though, are all or nothing. They therefore cannot be just.

Problems with Immortality- Even if we can make sense of the justice of heaven and hell, there remains a further problem: immortality. Death, by definition, involves the destruction of a person; if a person is not destroyed by death then they did not die. Once destroyed, though, it is unclear whether a person can be recreated. It is possible, no doubt, for there to be a subsequent person, like to them in every respect, but there is no reason to think that that will be the very same person that died, rather than merely a replica of them.

Petitionary Prayer- A further doctrinal problem with Christianity concerns petitionary prayer, prayer in which we request that God do something for us. God’s omniscience implies that he will already have taken all of the information about our needs and desires into account when deciding what to do. His benevolence implies that he will act in our best interests unless there is a good reason not to (and if there is such a reason, our prayers will not remove it). Prayer, then, should never change God’s mind; petitionary prayer shouldn’t ever work.

The Argument from Autonomy- The argument from autonomy is the argument that the existence of morally autonomous agents is inconsistent with the existence of God, and so that the fact that morally autonomous agents do exist disproves the existence of God. God, if he exists, is worthy of worship. If a being is truly worthy of worship, though, then he is entitled to our unconditional obedience. Moral agents, however, cannot be required to give unconditional obedience to any agent. Moral agency requires autonomy, and so the idea of a moral duty to give up one's autonomy is incoherent; in giving up one's autonomy one would cease to be a moral agent so would cease to have moral duties at all. We cannot, therefore, have a duty of unconditional obedience to any agent, and there therefore cannot be any agent that worthy of worship. There can therefore be no God.

Religion and Memetics- A final critique of religion comes from the field of memetics, and the suggestion that there is a God meme. Memetics seeks to apply the theory of evolution not to biological organisms but to ideas. Ideas, like animals, replicate themselves and compete for survival. The same process of natural selection that ensures that only the fittest animals survive will therefore also ensure that only the fittest ideas survive. Fitness of ideas, though, need not be a guide to truth; fitness is simply the ability to survive and reproduce. If the memetic critique of religion is right, then the success of religion can be fully explained by its preference of faith to reason, and its emphasis on evangelism.





I'm not going to share my reasons for not believing in God. I find some of the last arguments for atheism plausible, and some not. If you are interested in my beliefs, come to me and we'll have a nice little talk. Possibly even an amazing, life-altering talk! Wouldn't THAT be great!!!! Well, that's all for now. Peace.

Albino Sword Swallower

I'm putting this up so I don't have to look at my last post. Look, it's an albino sword swallower...

Por Que?

Why do you make me cry for you baby?

I know you hear me calling. Pick up the phone. Next time I'm gonna leave you a message. Next time.

Or do I really want you to hear my misery over the phone and give you the choice to respond to it? I don't know. All I know is that I need you, and that I need to talk to you.

I just want to say I'm sorry. I want to tell you on the phone but you leave me no other option than to tell you here. I'm sorry for not being understanding, for twisting your words, for accusing you of different intentions. I'll admit that you insulted me, that you hurt me, but I shouldn't have put you in the position that I forced you, and I shouldn't have pressured you to tell me what I wanted to hear. I want you to be honest. There's a lot that I want to write right now that I can't, this being public and all, but I want to tell you. My heart breaks more every second that I don't speak to you. I'm sorry.

I already know I won't be getting any sleep tonight.



Well, I'm going to redo my nails again for you.

uhhh...

i don't think anyone got that the mona lisa was holding a joint and wine bottle...


OR you just don't care


both of which are depressing conclusions. i think i'll go hang myself now.

Art is much less important than life, but what a poor life without it.

Some of my favorite works:






















and...last, but certainly not least...

Baby, it's Cold Outside

Actually...I wouldn't know. I've been inside in bed for longer than I can remember. Okay, a couple days- but time moves slower when you're sick. You watch the clock and it just doesn't move. The hours take forever to pass, and you want them to speed up so that you'll feel better. I've finally gotten up today to write here because all the time in bed has given me a lot to think about, things that I don't normally reserve time for. I've been thinking about home mostly, Ulrika and Alex, but also of the wonderful people I have here. Wonderful people who take care of me by bringing me tea and medicine and ordering me to get better. I wish I could combine just the best parts of LA and Portland and create my own Utopia. Who said it isn't possible?!?!

As for some of the things I've been thinking of...

Alex never fails to astonish me with his intellect. No one gave him enough credit back in the day, and i didn't know him well enough to put him into any category. (Besides the obvious...nerd...) They assumed, by his laziness, that he was somehow below those taking AP's and busting their asses in school. But it's not true that work ethic has this kind of link to intelligence. And who the fuck cares about high school anyway.

I'm basically writing this to show everyone that Alex has a great mind, that he can deliberate with the best of them. I love being able to talk with him about politics and religion, psychology and our personal beliefs on everything from from Plato's idiocy to gay marriage.

He calls me his muse, says that I inspire him, but i know he always had this inside him. Maybe he simply didn't have anyone to talk to, or had no one who he could openly argue with without feeling self conscious.

Yesterday we spoke about God.

I haven't believed in a supreme being in awhile, though I know it would mean DEATH to tell my family. I've accepted their faith, but I know they could never accept my beliefs. I respect those with different beliefs than I hold, and it was the same when it came to Alex's faith.

But last night he called me with a newfound enthusiasm. I answer the phone and the first words he says are "I don't believe in God". I get a little excited that he seems to be converted and he continues. I have many reasons for my beliefs, most of them well thought-out, and he was suddenly convinced by a persuasive argument that I can't help agreeing with. Of course there are exceptions, and I've found ways around it (as the church does as well), but in the end I feel that this argument is the stronger.

Based on the Roman Catholic assumption that God is all-powerful, omnipotent and perfect, it is contradictory for this perfect God to create imperfect beings and then punish them for their imperfections. Why would a benevolent God create disease, natural disasters, trauma and death? For entertainment? It just doesn't make sense for God to blame humans for their sins, the sins which only he controls.

For the rest, look at Alex's Blog because he actually explains it in detail. It's easier for me to just give a little snapshot of our conversation. It's hard to lose faith in something you've believed your entire life. It's quite a transition. I'm honestly not even sure if he's ready to make that transition. I guess the first step is having doubts, which he indeed has.


And I have more to say but I've got to lie down. My apologies.

"My Only Friend"

I GOT AN XBOX 360 AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!



"Premium Edition", includes a hard drive (needed to play original Xbox games), wireless controller, headset, ethernet cable, Xbox Live silver subscription, and a component HD AV cable.




Just kidding. Alex you're a n-e-r-d.

itunes quiz

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrasing it is.

How many songs? 5221

Sort by song title:

First Song: ¡Paranoia! Cha-Cha-Cha by the Soviettes
Last Song: Zombie (Part Two) by Nile Rogers And Roy Hargrove and Money Mark

Shortest Song: Welcome by Offspring
Longest Song: Harmful if Swallowed- Dane Cook

Sort by album:

First Album: ...And Out Come the Wolves by Rancid
Last Album: Zero by Smashing Pumpkins

Top Five Most Played Songs:

1. Greatest Hits by Sublime
2. Don't Speak by No Doubt
3. Homebrew by 311
4. I saw Red by No Doubt and Sublime
5. Basketcase by Green Day

First song that comes up on Shuffle:

Decent Days and Nights by The Futureheads

How many songs come up when you search for "sex"?

78


How many songs come up when you search for "death"?

47

How many songs come up when you search for "love"?

237

How many songs come up when you search for "you"?

455

who can deny it?

"yes aline, the light of my life, the center of my universe, the stars aligned when you entered my world"
-Malka Molly Schumer


"would YOU turn down time with aline?!
i didn't think so."
-KC "alcoholic" Deane

FUCK

I've decided that I've been crying too much lately. And rather than cry about THIS and continuing the pattern, I have a few FUCK YOUs to hand out.

BEING SICK- I'm not gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna numb the pain by self-medicating. And an extra FUCK YOU to carpal tunnel.
RAIN- It's wet. And cold.
FRIENDS WHO DON'T CARE- Please, just let me know if you have ever or will ever give a fuck about me. Let me know if I'm wasting time, energy and sanity on a hopeless cause.
DISTANCE BETWEEN LOS ANGELES AND PORTLAND- enough said.
LIGHTS THAT GO OUT WHEN YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO- Someone please fix my desk lamp. Or tell me where I can buy a new bulb cheaply.
BATTERY- Why has apple not yet invented a battery with an unlimited life that charges itself??? Why has Steve jobs not yet found someone to rip this off of? i really don't like when my ipod dies right in the middle of Beck's Derelict. Get on it!!!
FINALS- I'm scared shitless. Why can't I just sleep through the next two weeks and pretend they don't matter?


I feel much better

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Carpal tunnel syndrome is a medical condition in which the median nerve is compressed at the wrist causing symptoms like tingling, pain, coldness, and sometimes weakness in parts of the hand. It is the best known of a class of disorders called repetitive strain injuries.


So my mom probably has carpal tunnel syndrome. I just found out today when she called me to ask what I want for Christmas. I told her that all I wanted was a new digital camera (since my old one was STOLEN) and I insisted that I couldn't live without one. She said "Aline, we can't just make money appear" and I told her that all I wanted was some money to build up to one eventually. I continued to complain, only thinking about myself and my "need" for a camera. Then she told me the news. She sees a neurologist in a couple days to confirm it. I feel so selfish for caring so much about a stupid camera when she has a REAL problem. Who the fuck am I to ask for anything? All I want for Christmas is...not my two front teeth, but for everyone to be safe and healthy.

A tear rolled down my cheek as I thought about what this would mean. As a dental hygienist, she uses her hands almost exclusively to work. With carpal tunnel syndrome, she wouldn't be able to work at all. I thought about how much she enjoys working, how she told me it was one of the few places that she could find peace. Concentrating on others' teeth, she could avoid the little problems at home and be really great at something without being insulted by my dad. I love my dad, but he doesn't give her credit for all that she does. At work, she's a hero- people request to see her, they love her, and she's always given the gratitude that she deserves.

She was planning on going back to medical school. I doubt that will be happening anytime soon.

I think of all the times we've gotten in fights and I wished horrible things on her. But she doesn't deserve this, she's such a good person. I'm so sorry. I love you mom.

A Moment of Reflection

I guess a pretty important part of going through life is figuring out who your true friends are. I have some incredibly amazing friends, many of whom I've met only this year and a couple who I've known since way back in the days of Paul Revere and Pali. I know I don't take enough time to tell them how much I love them.

I really love you.

When I need them, I know they'll always be there- and vice versa. I'd do anything for them.


So here is my alinescent lyrical ode narrative thingie dedicated to the best of the best, the greatest friends I could ask for...it won't be poetic, it won't be overly dramatic, just from the heart. I want to express how I feel and here's the only way I know how.



When I'm on the verge of breaking down, you're the ones who slap me and tell me to get it together.
You save me from making colossal mistakes that only you realize I will regret.
You knock sense into me when I'm acting like an idiot.
You make me laugh when it's most needed. We spend the greatest times together just laughing until it hurts. No, not simply until it hurts. Beyond that point. Until it is so painful that we can't breathe, and we collapse on the floor in fits of hilarity.
You distract me when I need to avoid school. Thank god for helping me with procrastination.
You help me figure out problems with other friends. You put the two and two together when I can't.
You take on my burdens and listen to me stress about my problems, from my overdue homework to deteriorating friendships with others.
You push me when I don't want to be pushed, and lead me in the right direction. You know what's better for me when I don't.
You stand by me when I need support. When I feel like the entire world is against me, I know you're there.
You tease me and make fun of me.
You help me act decisively. We all know I can't make up my mind for shit. Coffee or tea? I'll never decide.
You always take my side, even when I'm blatantly wrong. (Then again...am I ever wrong? No...)
You give me hope that everything will turn out alright. When I want to give up, you tell me to keep trying.

You know who you are.

Holiday Spirit

"i love christmas. who doesn't love christmas?"

"uh...maybe the jews..."

"oh. right. forgot about that."

"it's okay. you don't believe in god"




I don't advocate playing christmas music right when November hits, but as soon as it's December, you better believe that I've got out my holiday spirit. There's nothing more peaceful or cheerful than some christmas music when you're stressing out about other things. So I downloaded 50 Christmas songs yesterday. oh yes.

Postsecret

The book is out now. I can't wait until Alex and KC buy it so that I can share it with them. I love postsecret.

oh dear

I stand by my previous statements in the last blog. Who the fuck cares about people like floyd. I'm a little ashamed that I spent so much energy being angry the first time, or that i was naive enough to think that he would be sorry. I won't make the same mistake again. It's the little specks of dust that are easily ignored.


On a lighter note, I LOVE singing to the Lion King Soundtrack. Hell, some of my life lessons have come from this movie. Gotta love it.







Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place]

[Chant repeats]

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

floyd

HELLO FLOYD. I have a few qualms with you that I feel need to be addressed. You are so incredibly lucky that I'm in Portland right now and not in LA where I could inflict serious damage upon you. Seriously.

You have a few things wrong in your blog Floyd's Blog and I would like to straighten them out. Sarah (Surr, as you call her...sounds kinda like "sir", verdad? ) has not spoken to me since she was in Costa Rica. You are right that she doesn't like me. She, completely in character and in an attempt to avoid all confrontation while simultaneously backstabbing a friend, would not dare to tell me this but definitely makes it clear through her avoidance of me and through all the little birdies who tell me she wouldn't like to see me. No, we haven't gotten into any formal fight. I simply called her out on a few things over summer, things she apparently couldn't accept. It's true that it's much easier to live in denial. I've tried it as well, and while it's a great temporary escape, it will inevitably come back to her. And while every other person I knew agreed with what I had to say at the time (and they still do agree with me), I seem to be the only one who has this wrath thrown upon me. Yes, it's a bitch.

I'll admit that I did not know that Andres had a problem with me. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. The next time that he starts a fake-friendly conversation with me (or Molly, for that matter) like he always does, I'll keep that in mind. It's funny how people are so deceiving.

Next, I'm glad that the problems that keep me up at night give you entertainment. I'm glad that you find a sick pleasure seeing my friends dissipate and my old home crumble before my eyes. You're right, it's very funny. I find it hilarious that we can't get along, that somehow I've become the hated one. Remember when you liked me Floyd, remember that? Well guess what, I'm Alex's now. You can't stand it. Act like you don't care but I hope it kills you inside. Don't call my boy your "homie" and then go on to trash him, because I just won't stand for it. You know I love him.

I see you hinting about our sex life all the time. I usually ignore it, I don't humor you with any response, but I'll tell you now because you've pushed me too far- it's amazing. If you really want to know, I will tell you. We have mind-blowing sex that you only dream of. Then again, any kind of sex would be a dream to you.

As you can tell, your blog has quite evidently infuriated me. It's kind of sad that you've let shit-talking whores infiltrate your brain and tell you what to think about me or Molly. I'd like to know what you really thought before coming in contact with them. If you really think that hanging out with us is "dealing with Aline or Molly", then I suggest that we don't try any more hanging out. If you would like to live in your own Sarita's-pussy-whipped world and believe the things that people say about the BETTER PEOPLE, and by better people I mean me and molly and alex, then go ahead and try.

I'm glad you guys had fun without us. All of you, really. I hope you continue to have fun whilst being selfish whores. Wait there's no need to curse. Just don't try to talk to me anymore pretending everything is okay. Be Real. I would think that a brother would understand the term. Either work things out with me or keep out of my business. I don't need anyone talking about me behind my back. And, honestly, my telling Ahlyzik to call you last-minute was just a last stitch effort at being nice. Don't think for a second that you were turning down any eager-eyed friends, begging you to come to dinner. I don't think they serve fried chicken at BJ's anyway.



And I still think the saddest part of your blog was seeing that you went home and played video games. I thought we were older than that, you fucking loser.

A Great Divide

There's a monster growing in our heads
raised up on the wicked things we've said
a great divide between us now
something we should know

There's something to remember
and something to forget
as long as we remember
there's something to regret
something we should know

There's a mountain higher than we knew
it's high but such a bitter view
a great divide between us now
something we should know

A great divide between us now
on different sides of a great divide

hot aren't they

Flight 453

The ride home to Reed was much longer. In between having to pee like hell while the person blocking me was asleep and avoiding awkward conversation with the person on my other side, I basically spent the entire ride trying to determine whether the person in the row ahead of me was a man or woman. This person was completely sexually ambiguous- he/she had long hair (which means nothing going to Portland), was sitting next to a taller, more masculine bald man (also means nothing going to Portland), had some very feminine facial features and other manly facial features, and no obvious boobs. Even its voice was ambiguous. I could not, from any angle, confidently decide on a gender. Today, I still want to know what it was.

My stay in LA, however, was not as long and boring. In a few ways, it was too short and I wish I could have spent more time with people. Of course, drama always ensues whenever I'm around anyone. Not as much at Reed...maybe it's just "home people" that are always rubbed the wrong way. Or I don't know how to act around them. It would be nice to know, so I could at least attempt to be more comfortable around them.

So...met up with the friends that I was anxious about seeing. Less people came than should have. Most of them didn't come because of our lazy planning, but not all. Sarah and Birte were conspicuously absent- I wonder why. (More on that later) Fragola wasn't there Friday but we hung out Saturday. Friday I hung out with Mena, Molly, Min and Ahlyzik (and later Max). I spent the start of the day with Alex, automatically making it wonderful. I picked him up and brought him home to meet the parents, something that really needed to happen. He especially wanted me to tell them, and I thought it would be best to do so by just introducing him instead of telling them and leaving it a mystery. That way, they didn't have a chance to create any wrong impressions of him before meeting him as my boyfriend.

So I stopped procrastinating and faced up to the fact that I needed to just get it over with. We walk into the kitchen and he hugs her. My mom, surprised to see him and even more surprised by his immediate affection, looks at me like..."what?". I explained to her, "Mom, this is my boyfriend Alex". She kind of smiled and tried to act like she wasn't completely blown away. She started asking him questions; even though she already knew him as my friend, she had never taken the time to ask about his future. Not that it mattered to her until it affected me. But the next day she came up to me and told me he's a very nice boy, and he's welcome back anytime. I loved hearing that. Does that mean he can sleep over anytime? hmmm...

It's probably just because he liked her turkey dumpling soup. He was really great with the parents and I wasn't at all afraid that he would say something stupid (like I probably would do in front of his family). He was sweet and interesting, helpful and- most importantly, funny. My family definitely appreciates a sense of humor. If we made any kind of impression on them, it was that we have a very comfortable relationship- and are really close friends first and foremost, before lovers.



It was nice to be in LA, but I'm incredibly glad to be back home. The tension between me and Molly was too much to handle, and I just didn't want to deal with it. I could feel her getting annoyed at little things, and I did nothing to change it because I was too selfish to try and fix things before they got worse. I wanted things to just run smoothly without any effort. I didn't want to have to entertain anyone or make them happy, I just wanted to have fun being together. Is that so much to ask? I didn't want to think about any new problems while I had so many already on my back. No one realizes, or maybe they just don't care, how stressed out I have been about Birte and Sarah. No one gets that two of my best friends completely exiled me. It's a fucking big deal and the whole world should care as much as I do!!! I wanted to see Birte, but I also wanted to respect the fact that she needed time to think before seeing Alex and me together. I gave up the idea of seeing her, after waiting for so long, despite how much I wanted to be friends again just like old days. I wanted to see Sarah so I could bitchslap the whore and ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. What justification does she have to eliminate me from her life? I want some kind of explanation at least. I have so much to say to her and so many built up emotions, I don't know what to do with them any longer. Maybe I'll write her a letter. So anyway, people don't realize that I already have these things to think about. It doesn't make me feel too great when my 4 former best friends go out together and don't invite me.

You know what, IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS. I come home for Thanksgiving and half of my friends hate me. I'm sorry for being such a fuck-up. All I want to do is cry. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to care. They don't care about me- so why do I care so much about them?


A letter was here but it's been removed for necessary privacy reasons. i won't taint the rest of my post.

I can't handle when Molly is angry at me. I hate her assumptions, the countless misunderstandings that she completely got wrong, and her failure to see my real intentions. I don't agree with her reasons, and I don't want to write my reasoning now, (and I'm not even sure if I should make this public...probably not, but a little advice from anyone could be helpful) but I do want to say that I wanted to have as much fun as I could with her AND Alex AND everyone else. It didn't work out perfectly, but I don't think that anything I have done deserves a complete reversal of the way anyone thinks of me. It's bad enough having the rest of the world against me, the last thing I need is Molly hating me. So I guess I'm sorry. Maybe I'll find a way to explain myself later.

bored, lonely, deprived

i need my boy. i had such high expectations for tonight and he got my hopes up, telling me he would sneak out and visit me when in fact he's probably not even coming anymore. I haven't heard from him in awhile and, i'll admit, i'm a little angry. i'm so close to him, yet so far away. how have i been here so long (ok...just a day...) and still not seen him? i want to blow him off and tell him not to even come anymore, especially because i think he might decide not to come anyway, but i can't bring myself to do it. i want him as much or more than he wants me. with alex, it's not at all merely sexual. i'm fucking emotionally bound to him, and i don't want to hurt him as much as i don't want to be hurt. it hurts waiting.

but i know i can't be angry and try to hurt him, because it will hurt myself even more. what a vicious cycle.

call me baby, you know the number...

Thanksgiving FOOD!

First of all, I LOVE stuffing. i love it to the core. thanksgiving is simply incomplete without it. And I don't mean nasty mushroom, giblet-filled stuffing. i mean delicious, pure, godly mom-made stuffing that i savor every year. of course there's the turkey, but that's just obvious. come to think of it, most thanksgiving food is a given. you have to have the mashed potatoes (which I made) and gravy, and a few salads, along with a variety of cranberry sauces. I always go for the sweet whole berries versus spicy chutney, ya know? then there's the baked sweet potatoes that my mom has become famous for. I don't know how it happened, but people literally beg her to make them. I always feel like a culinary expert when thanksgiving rolls around. who knows, maybe i should be a chef...

Los Angeles

I love being home. Well...not home, because Reed is home, but my old home. Not even my old home, since I came home to a different house, but my new old pseudo-home. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'm too preoccupied thinking of how to express the feeling of being here for the first time in three months. The flight over was exciting enough in itself. The first seconds that the plane lifts off the ground and begins to fly are like a drug, I feel my body taken up with the mass of metal and suspended in air. Once we got to the level where ipods are allowed, I of course whipped out my beloved music machine and went straight for my HAPPY mix made by guess who.

I love all his music. well, most. I listen to his music because it reminds me of him- not that I need any reminders. It's also pretty damn good music. And I smile at his eagerness to share every song that he loves with me. I hope he's not lying when he says he likes the music I give him, too. I'd like to think that I have pretty good taste in music.

Anyway, back to the flight to LA. The two hours it took to get here seemed like minutes. My leg shook quickly up and down, a nervous twitch, anxious about coming back to the place I used to call home. The place that I always loved and still brag about to anyone who cares to ask. I laughed to myself at the christmas music and plastic cups with christmas trees on them, sitting on the plane the day before Thanksgiving and wishing I had someone to share my sardonic wit with. Oh, what amazing things I could have said about seasonal commercialism. The time flies by and I have to put away the music machine that I used to its last ounce of battery. Once again I got to feel those two anticipating seconds, but this time going down instead of up. I was two hours closer to seeing family and being in my wonderful city. I waited for those two seconds before the wheels touched the earth of my city, the seconds where the plane hovers only a few feet above the ground and makes the deciding last move to land and bring us fully to the place we wait so long for. I waited and they came, and I rushed out to the pick-up area of LAX where I knew my parents would be stalling for time with the bitchass security guys. Just as they're about to get kicked out, I run those last few steps and show the rent-a-cop that they won't be waiting long, and that I just need to put my baggage in the trunk and leave. He sort of snickered in defeat, realizing that it wouldn't be worth it to insist on their immediate departure, and I got in the car.

Needless to say, we headed straight for In-n-out. Not that I was hungry, but let's be real...there is not a single In-n-out in Oregon. I know...how do I deal with it?

So I saw the family- mom, dad, sister Ava, G-ma and new grandpa. Wait, no, he was asleep so I saw him this morning. We got home, I got a tour of my own house, and talked awhile with the parents as I waited for Ulrika to come over. We were forced to have a mom/dad/me and Ulrika conversation, and of course mom couldn't resist telling stories about the most embarassing movies I used to make in elementary school. Hey, I think I was creative. Excessively weird, but let's just pretend that's the genius in me. hah. The parents finally went to bed and I talked awhile with Ulrika. You know, about the meaning of life, quantum physics, the science of engineering a nuclear bomb, that kind of stuff. I called Alex a million times but he fell asleep on me. Thanks a bunch babe.

I eventually fell asleep too, with the light on (because, through a series of extremely complicated connections, it was the only way to charge my phone- and what's more important, a phone or a good night's rest? Obviously the phone) and woke up to the bustling sounds of Thanksgiving. For some reason, the family decided that this year we would have thanksgiving dinner at 1:30. I was okay with that because I was starving by 1:30. And my family can cook like hell. It would be reason enough to travel all the way home just for the food. It was fucking delicious. I think I'll go get some more pumpkin pie right now, maybe some apple pie. I may come back and write more, or I may just keep eating...forever...

Home Sweet Home

I've got a lot of mixed feelings about going home, and I think it's a perfect time to write about them. Six in the morning is a perfect time to blog, especially when you've been awake for the past four hours. I know why I can't sleep. It's not because I'm nervous about school or work, it's because of my anxiety about going home. I'm not sure how people will receive me when I get there. A lot has changed since I left, and I know that certain things will be rough. I'm scared shitless about what will happen between my friend Birte and me. I want to talk to her before I get home, but she didn't answer when Alex and I called about 6 times last night. We desperately need to ensure our friendship with her, in hopes of her getting past the fact that Alex and I are now happily together. She doesn't know how deep in love we are, and I think it's better that she doesn't. It would hurt her more knowing how far we've come in her absence, while she messes around with other guys.

And then there's the parents. I haven't actually told them about Alex.

It's not that I would normally be afraid to tell them about a boyfriend, but Alex is different. I mean, he came all the way to Oregon to see me. That's something to hold on to. So I will tell them. I don't know how, but I will. Also, awhile ago when we first met, my mom asked me if there was any love interest between Alex and me, and of course I said- no way! one of my best friends likes him so I would never. It seems that I crossed that line unintentionally. I never wanted to fall for her obsession, the boy she wanted for so long, but I've come to believe that this was unavoidable. It happened and it was meant to happen. Our love is fucking beyond our control- neither of us holds the reigns, it lives on its own. Even if we wanted to end it, we wouldn't be able to extinguish our love.

As for my other friends, I'm not sure how everything will play out for them. I wonder if everything will be the same, if we'll joke around the entire time and be carefree, or if there will be a thin line of tension, a barely detectable awkwardness penetrating the group. I hope nothing has changed, but I can't help worrying that all my friends have become different people. All I can do is wait, and count down the hours until I find out...

I stole Blake's iPod...

I wanted this all to be one big blog, but the first part had to be published earlier bc of time-sensitive issues. The title is for Dave, I hope he apppreciates my use of his suggestion. But I really didn't steal Blake's ipod.

Anyway, I feel like I have a little story that's a bit past due. It's about this girl who's named Kathryn Chandler Deane. Kacey is amazing. You know those people that you hear about, the ones who jump out of planes to save a friend and always put their friends first? Well she's one of those crazies. She'll go to great lengths to help you out.

like yesterday.

I get back from dinner, pretty pissed off and emotional from conversations not worth describing, and I call her to ask if she wants to come over. I guess I sounded a bit distraught, because literally seconds later, I hear footsteps sprinting down the entire mcgriffley hall, from the common room to griffin, and then dashing up the stairs into my room. She energetically hops onto my ten-foot-high bed and sits with me, and immediately begins comforting me and helping me sort out my feelings. I would be utterly lost here without KC.

Later we made a pumpkin pie together and ate almost half of it (given, it wasn't very big...but still...) We decided that a woman's place is in the home, and that Alex's place is in the oven. We took amazing pictures of us naked (with naked juice labels on our backs) and pictures of me with Alex through the phone. Basically I was kissing the phone. Why do I love that boy so much? Back to Kacey!!!

She is so super cool. and I'm not just writing this because she dedicated a post to me- she is truly awesome.

i mean, who else would devote an entire album of us together???

speaking of which... here it is!!!