Enjoy the Silence

I wonder if this is just a chemical imbalance. I guess everything is. It's all unconscious before it becomes conscious if it even gets that far, it's all neurons and synapses and finite physical matter. Emotions aren't the beasts we think they are. Yet we think our thoughts are indeterminate, that we have choice and control over what we do or think or feel. I want to believe that.

But on the other hand, I want to blame these feelings on something else. I want to tell myself that I'm just late coming down from the drug and I'm coming down hard and that it will soon be over. But I'm not completely sure that I've convinced myself. I just want to fill my room with a flood of tears and lie in a huddle in my bed forever. Sounds wonderful, right?

Someone, please, live this life for me. Just do it for me and do it right because I can't handle it. I can't handle all the work and complexity- I want it to be simple. I want to be rich and intelligent and have the perfect family in a perfect house with perfect friends. Why can't it be that easy? Why can't I deal with my emotions?