Postsecret

The book is out now. I can't wait until Alex and KC buy it so that I can share it with them. I love postsecret.

oh dear

I stand by my previous statements in the last blog. Who the fuck cares about people like floyd. I'm a little ashamed that I spent so much energy being angry the first time, or that i was naive enough to think that he would be sorry. I won't make the same mistake again. It's the little specks of dust that are easily ignored.


On a lighter note, I LOVE singing to the Lion King Soundtrack. Hell, some of my life lessons have come from this movie. Gotta love it.







Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place]

[Chant repeats]

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

floyd

HELLO FLOYD. I have a few qualms with you that I feel need to be addressed. You are so incredibly lucky that I'm in Portland right now and not in LA where I could inflict serious damage upon you. Seriously.

You have a few things wrong in your blog Floyd's Blog and I would like to straighten them out. Sarah (Surr, as you call her...sounds kinda like "sir", verdad? ) has not spoken to me since she was in Costa Rica. You are right that she doesn't like me. She, completely in character and in an attempt to avoid all confrontation while simultaneously backstabbing a friend, would not dare to tell me this but definitely makes it clear through her avoidance of me and through all the little birdies who tell me she wouldn't like to see me. No, we haven't gotten into any formal fight. I simply called her out on a few things over summer, things she apparently couldn't accept. It's true that it's much easier to live in denial. I've tried it as well, and while it's a great temporary escape, it will inevitably come back to her. And while every other person I knew agreed with what I had to say at the time (and they still do agree with me), I seem to be the only one who has this wrath thrown upon me. Yes, it's a bitch.

I'll admit that I did not know that Andres had a problem with me. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. The next time that he starts a fake-friendly conversation with me (or Molly, for that matter) like he always does, I'll keep that in mind. It's funny how people are so deceiving.

Next, I'm glad that the problems that keep me up at night give you entertainment. I'm glad that you find a sick pleasure seeing my friends dissipate and my old home crumble before my eyes. You're right, it's very funny. I find it hilarious that we can't get along, that somehow I've become the hated one. Remember when you liked me Floyd, remember that? Well guess what, I'm Alex's now. You can't stand it. Act like you don't care but I hope it kills you inside. Don't call my boy your "homie" and then go on to trash him, because I just won't stand for it. You know I love him.

I see you hinting about our sex life all the time. I usually ignore it, I don't humor you with any response, but I'll tell you now because you've pushed me too far- it's amazing. If you really want to know, I will tell you. We have mind-blowing sex that you only dream of. Then again, any kind of sex would be a dream to you.

As you can tell, your blog has quite evidently infuriated me. It's kind of sad that you've let shit-talking whores infiltrate your brain and tell you what to think about me or Molly. I'd like to know what you really thought before coming in contact with them. If you really think that hanging out with us is "dealing with Aline or Molly", then I suggest that we don't try any more hanging out. If you would like to live in your own Sarita's-pussy-whipped world and believe the things that people say about the BETTER PEOPLE, and by better people I mean me and molly and alex, then go ahead and try.

I'm glad you guys had fun without us. All of you, really. I hope you continue to have fun whilst being selfish whores. Wait there's no need to curse. Just don't try to talk to me anymore pretending everything is okay. Be Real. I would think that a brother would understand the term. Either work things out with me or keep out of my business. I don't need anyone talking about me behind my back. And, honestly, my telling Ahlyzik to call you last-minute was just a last stitch effort at being nice. Don't think for a second that you were turning down any eager-eyed friends, begging you to come to dinner. I don't think they serve fried chicken at BJ's anyway.



And I still think the saddest part of your blog was seeing that you went home and played video games. I thought we were older than that, you fucking loser.

A Great Divide

There's a monster growing in our heads
raised up on the wicked things we've said
a great divide between us now
something we should know

There's something to remember
and something to forget
as long as we remember
there's something to regret
something we should know

There's a mountain higher than we knew
it's high but such a bitter view
a great divide between us now
something we should know

A great divide between us now
on different sides of a great divide

hot aren't they

Flight 453

The ride home to Reed was much longer. In between having to pee like hell while the person blocking me was asleep and avoiding awkward conversation with the person on my other side, I basically spent the entire ride trying to determine whether the person in the row ahead of me was a man or woman. This person was completely sexually ambiguous- he/she had long hair (which means nothing going to Portland), was sitting next to a taller, more masculine bald man (also means nothing going to Portland), had some very feminine facial features and other manly facial features, and no obvious boobs. Even its voice was ambiguous. I could not, from any angle, confidently decide on a gender. Today, I still want to know what it was.

My stay in LA, however, was not as long and boring. In a few ways, it was too short and I wish I could have spent more time with people. Of course, drama always ensues whenever I'm around anyone. Not as much at Reed...maybe it's just "home people" that are always rubbed the wrong way. Or I don't know how to act around them. It would be nice to know, so I could at least attempt to be more comfortable around them.

So...met up with the friends that I was anxious about seeing. Less people came than should have. Most of them didn't come because of our lazy planning, but not all. Sarah and Birte were conspicuously absent- I wonder why. (More on that later) Fragola wasn't there Friday but we hung out Saturday. Friday I hung out with Mena, Molly, Min and Ahlyzik (and later Max). I spent the start of the day with Alex, automatically making it wonderful. I picked him up and brought him home to meet the parents, something that really needed to happen. He especially wanted me to tell them, and I thought it would be best to do so by just introducing him instead of telling them and leaving it a mystery. That way, they didn't have a chance to create any wrong impressions of him before meeting him as my boyfriend.

So I stopped procrastinating and faced up to the fact that I needed to just get it over with. We walk into the kitchen and he hugs her. My mom, surprised to see him and even more surprised by his immediate affection, looks at me like..."what?". I explained to her, "Mom, this is my boyfriend Alex". She kind of smiled and tried to act like she wasn't completely blown away. She started asking him questions; even though she already knew him as my friend, she had never taken the time to ask about his future. Not that it mattered to her until it affected me. But the next day she came up to me and told me he's a very nice boy, and he's welcome back anytime. I loved hearing that. Does that mean he can sleep over anytime? hmmm...

It's probably just because he liked her turkey dumpling soup. He was really great with the parents and I wasn't at all afraid that he would say something stupid (like I probably would do in front of his family). He was sweet and interesting, helpful and- most importantly, funny. My family definitely appreciates a sense of humor. If we made any kind of impression on them, it was that we have a very comfortable relationship- and are really close friends first and foremost, before lovers.



It was nice to be in LA, but I'm incredibly glad to be back home. The tension between me and Molly was too much to handle, and I just didn't want to deal with it. I could feel her getting annoyed at little things, and I did nothing to change it because I was too selfish to try and fix things before they got worse. I wanted things to just run smoothly without any effort. I didn't want to have to entertain anyone or make them happy, I just wanted to have fun being together. Is that so much to ask? I didn't want to think about any new problems while I had so many already on my back. No one realizes, or maybe they just don't care, how stressed out I have been about Birte and Sarah. No one gets that two of my best friends completely exiled me. It's a fucking big deal and the whole world should care as much as I do!!! I wanted to see Birte, but I also wanted to respect the fact that she needed time to think before seeing Alex and me together. I gave up the idea of seeing her, after waiting for so long, despite how much I wanted to be friends again just like old days. I wanted to see Sarah so I could bitchslap the whore and ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. What justification does she have to eliminate me from her life? I want some kind of explanation at least. I have so much to say to her and so many built up emotions, I don't know what to do with them any longer. Maybe I'll write her a letter. So anyway, people don't realize that I already have these things to think about. It doesn't make me feel too great when my 4 former best friends go out together and don't invite me.

You know what, IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS. I come home for Thanksgiving and half of my friends hate me. I'm sorry for being such a fuck-up. All I want to do is cry. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to care. They don't care about me- so why do I care so much about them?


A letter was here but it's been removed for necessary privacy reasons. i won't taint the rest of my post.

I can't handle when Molly is angry at me. I hate her assumptions, the countless misunderstandings that she completely got wrong, and her failure to see my real intentions. I don't agree with her reasons, and I don't want to write my reasoning now, (and I'm not even sure if I should make this public...probably not, but a little advice from anyone could be helpful) but I do want to say that I wanted to have as much fun as I could with her AND Alex AND everyone else. It didn't work out perfectly, but I don't think that anything I have done deserves a complete reversal of the way anyone thinks of me. It's bad enough having the rest of the world against me, the last thing I need is Molly hating me. So I guess I'm sorry. Maybe I'll find a way to explain myself later.

bored, lonely, deprived

i need my boy. i had such high expectations for tonight and he got my hopes up, telling me he would sneak out and visit me when in fact he's probably not even coming anymore. I haven't heard from him in awhile and, i'll admit, i'm a little angry. i'm so close to him, yet so far away. how have i been here so long (ok...just a day...) and still not seen him? i want to blow him off and tell him not to even come anymore, especially because i think he might decide not to come anyway, but i can't bring myself to do it. i want him as much or more than he wants me. with alex, it's not at all merely sexual. i'm fucking emotionally bound to him, and i don't want to hurt him as much as i don't want to be hurt. it hurts waiting.

but i know i can't be angry and try to hurt him, because it will hurt myself even more. what a vicious cycle.

call me baby, you know the number...

Thanksgiving FOOD!

First of all, I LOVE stuffing. i love it to the core. thanksgiving is simply incomplete without it. And I don't mean nasty mushroom, giblet-filled stuffing. i mean delicious, pure, godly mom-made stuffing that i savor every year. of course there's the turkey, but that's just obvious. come to think of it, most thanksgiving food is a given. you have to have the mashed potatoes (which I made) and gravy, and a few salads, along with a variety of cranberry sauces. I always go for the sweet whole berries versus spicy chutney, ya know? then there's the baked sweet potatoes that my mom has become famous for. I don't know how it happened, but people literally beg her to make them. I always feel like a culinary expert when thanksgiving rolls around. who knows, maybe i should be a chef...

Los Angeles

I love being home. Well...not home, because Reed is home, but my old home. Not even my old home, since I came home to a different house, but my new old pseudo-home. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'm too preoccupied thinking of how to express the feeling of being here for the first time in three months. The flight over was exciting enough in itself. The first seconds that the plane lifts off the ground and begins to fly are like a drug, I feel my body taken up with the mass of metal and suspended in air. Once we got to the level where ipods are allowed, I of course whipped out my beloved music machine and went straight for my HAPPY mix made by guess who.

I love all his music. well, most. I listen to his music because it reminds me of him- not that I need any reminders. It's also pretty damn good music. And I smile at his eagerness to share every song that he loves with me. I hope he's not lying when he says he likes the music I give him, too. I'd like to think that I have pretty good taste in music.

Anyway, back to the flight to LA. The two hours it took to get here seemed like minutes. My leg shook quickly up and down, a nervous twitch, anxious about coming back to the place I used to call home. The place that I always loved and still brag about to anyone who cares to ask. I laughed to myself at the christmas music and plastic cups with christmas trees on them, sitting on the plane the day before Thanksgiving and wishing I had someone to share my sardonic wit with. Oh, what amazing things I could have said about seasonal commercialism. The time flies by and I have to put away the music machine that I used to its last ounce of battery. Once again I got to feel those two anticipating seconds, but this time going down instead of up. I was two hours closer to seeing family and being in my wonderful city. I waited for those two seconds before the wheels touched the earth of my city, the seconds where the plane hovers only a few feet above the ground and makes the deciding last move to land and bring us fully to the place we wait so long for. I waited and they came, and I rushed out to the pick-up area of LAX where I knew my parents would be stalling for time with the bitchass security guys. Just as they're about to get kicked out, I run those last few steps and show the rent-a-cop that they won't be waiting long, and that I just need to put my baggage in the trunk and leave. He sort of snickered in defeat, realizing that it wouldn't be worth it to insist on their immediate departure, and I got in the car.

Needless to say, we headed straight for In-n-out. Not that I was hungry, but let's be real...there is not a single In-n-out in Oregon. I know...how do I deal with it?

So I saw the family- mom, dad, sister Ava, G-ma and new grandpa. Wait, no, he was asleep so I saw him this morning. We got home, I got a tour of my own house, and talked awhile with the parents as I waited for Ulrika to come over. We were forced to have a mom/dad/me and Ulrika conversation, and of course mom couldn't resist telling stories about the most embarassing movies I used to make in elementary school. Hey, I think I was creative. Excessively weird, but let's just pretend that's the genius in me. hah. The parents finally went to bed and I talked awhile with Ulrika. You know, about the meaning of life, quantum physics, the science of engineering a nuclear bomb, that kind of stuff. I called Alex a million times but he fell asleep on me. Thanks a bunch babe.

I eventually fell asleep too, with the light on (because, through a series of extremely complicated connections, it was the only way to charge my phone- and what's more important, a phone or a good night's rest? Obviously the phone) and woke up to the bustling sounds of Thanksgiving. For some reason, the family decided that this year we would have thanksgiving dinner at 1:30. I was okay with that because I was starving by 1:30. And my family can cook like hell. It would be reason enough to travel all the way home just for the food. It was fucking delicious. I think I'll go get some more pumpkin pie right now, maybe some apple pie. I may come back and write more, or I may just keep eating...forever...

Home Sweet Home

I've got a lot of mixed feelings about going home, and I think it's a perfect time to write about them. Six in the morning is a perfect time to blog, especially when you've been awake for the past four hours. I know why I can't sleep. It's not because I'm nervous about school or work, it's because of my anxiety about going home. I'm not sure how people will receive me when I get there. A lot has changed since I left, and I know that certain things will be rough. I'm scared shitless about what will happen between my friend Birte and me. I want to talk to her before I get home, but she didn't answer when Alex and I called about 6 times last night. We desperately need to ensure our friendship with her, in hopes of her getting past the fact that Alex and I are now happily together. She doesn't know how deep in love we are, and I think it's better that she doesn't. It would hurt her more knowing how far we've come in her absence, while she messes around with other guys.

And then there's the parents. I haven't actually told them about Alex.

It's not that I would normally be afraid to tell them about a boyfriend, but Alex is different. I mean, he came all the way to Oregon to see me. That's something to hold on to. So I will tell them. I don't know how, but I will. Also, awhile ago when we first met, my mom asked me if there was any love interest between Alex and me, and of course I said- no way! one of my best friends likes him so I would never. It seems that I crossed that line unintentionally. I never wanted to fall for her obsession, the boy she wanted for so long, but I've come to believe that this was unavoidable. It happened and it was meant to happen. Our love is fucking beyond our control- neither of us holds the reigns, it lives on its own. Even if we wanted to end it, we wouldn't be able to extinguish our love.

As for my other friends, I'm not sure how everything will play out for them. I wonder if everything will be the same, if we'll joke around the entire time and be carefree, or if there will be a thin line of tension, a barely detectable awkwardness penetrating the group. I hope nothing has changed, but I can't help worrying that all my friends have become different people. All I can do is wait, and count down the hours until I find out...

I stole Blake's iPod...

I wanted this all to be one big blog, but the first part had to be published earlier bc of time-sensitive issues. The title is for Dave, I hope he apppreciates my use of his suggestion. But I really didn't steal Blake's ipod.

Anyway, I feel like I have a little story that's a bit past due. It's about this girl who's named Kathryn Chandler Deane. Kacey is amazing. You know those people that you hear about, the ones who jump out of planes to save a friend and always put their friends first? Well she's one of those crazies. She'll go to great lengths to help you out.

like yesterday.

I get back from dinner, pretty pissed off and emotional from conversations not worth describing, and I call her to ask if she wants to come over. I guess I sounded a bit distraught, because literally seconds later, I hear footsteps sprinting down the entire mcgriffley hall, from the common room to griffin, and then dashing up the stairs into my room. She energetically hops onto my ten-foot-high bed and sits with me, and immediately begins comforting me and helping me sort out my feelings. I would be utterly lost here without KC.

Later we made a pumpkin pie together and ate almost half of it (given, it wasn't very big...but still...) We decided that a woman's place is in the home, and that Alex's place is in the oven. We took amazing pictures of us naked (with naked juice labels on our backs) and pictures of me with Alex through the phone. Basically I was kissing the phone. Why do I love that boy so much? Back to Kacey!!!

She is so super cool. and I'm not just writing this because she dedicated a post to me- she is truly awesome.

i mean, who else would devote an entire album of us together???

speaking of which... here it is!!!

My own epiphany

i guess i can assume that anyone reading my blog is also reading that of my boyfriend...at Alex's Blog and knows that whatever we write is somehow related. (After all, we're about as stuck together as possible when you're 960 miles apart)

When I first read that he was seriously considering moving to Oregon to go to Oregon State, I practically fell out of my chair. I had believed him when he told me that he wanted to come back, and that he wants to be near me, but I never thought he would seriously consider moving here. For about ten minutes, I became more excited than I have been in quite awhile. I pictured us being together every day, waking up in his arms and then going to class. And then I realized that Oregon State is an hour and 40 minutes away.

Does he know this? Because, while it's a hell of a lot closer than LA, how often is he gonna drive that far just to see me? I mean, that's a lot of gas money.

If only he had a cell phone so that I could reach him and ask about this. I NEED TO KNOW!!! damn hippie, with no phone. hah. If only he really was a hippie...

You Know You're Right

I'm supposed to give Alex a wake-up call in an hour and a half. This time I won't forget. In fact, I don't know how I can wait that long. There is no one I would rather speak to. I don't know what it is about Alex- his jokes, his teasing, maybe the sheer amount of love that he piles on me, but I can't get enough. And as much as I bitch about the distance, I'm still eternally grateful for what I have. I know I don't have the right to complain, because I'm the luckiest girl alive. I have what people dream of, and I don’t deserve to be selfish about it.

I'm glad I didn't write any more last night. That could have turned out very bad. I tell myself that I'm moodier lately than normal, but in the back of my mind I know I was always this emotional. I think I'm relatively good at keeping it under wraps, at least for the people who don't know me enough to care. But it’s probably better to write at a time like now, when I’m not overwhelmed with emotion.

Alex gets jealous of me having fun sometimes, and I'm not completely sure why. Even yesterday when I went to see Harry Potter with a bunch of my favorite Reedies (Kacey, Molly, Jess, Tedros, Blake and Josh), I felt like it was incomplete without him being there with me. I watched the movie with a sort of faux eagerness, a forged happiness, knowing that I really did like the movie but couldn't enjoy it like I was supposed to. I should have had a genuine good time, but even when we got back I still didn’t feel like partying. (Am I just a loser, or is there something deeper going on here?)

The best part of the trip for me was driving in the car, singing to music. It reminded me of driving around LA at night with Ulrika, one of our favorite things to do. I guess I've begun to feel homesick lately. At first there was so much excitement of moving to a new place, meeting new people and starting a new life. I never took time to say goodbye to my old life- I just jumped into this new one. Since I've gotten here, I've definitely changed as a person- and I miss some aspects of the old me. I want to go home and rediscover what I miss most, while at the same time I don’t. I know it will be rough seeing my parents, and possibly even rougher seeing certain old friends, but I would rather try than wonder what would have happened.

Well...that was all just a bunch of random bullshit. Take it or leave it. I see my blog as an outlet for myself, and only myself. I'm not writing it for pity, but I would still like to share how I feel. I had a great talk with Kacey about this, and I decided that I'm not going to take any criticisms. I don't want to be compared with anyone else. I'm not sorry if you don't like what I write, and I'll keep writing it exactly how it comes out. Thanks Kacey; I love you.

just kidding

about the hawthorne part of my last post, i was just emotional and i thought everyone had left without me...so excuse me on that one...i love you guys, i really do...every one of you.

i feel like this blog may easily turn into me spilling out my daily rages and then apologizing for them later. i don't want that to happen, though, so i'm going to consciously try to leave out my petty grievances. and i apologize in advance for anything stupid that i will inevitably say.

love,
aline

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

This is one of those moments where I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. I was always such a skeptic of love. For the record, I still am. I thought I could never be so overcome with emotion that rationality gets pushed to the side. I don't want to be a romantic. I'm fucking hardcore. I like to play with boys, twist them to my desires, toy with them to my benefit. But alas, now I'm the one hopelessly out of control. I'm the one who will give in to any of his requests. And I LOVE it. I'll admit it, i'm desperately in love with the most wonderful person on the planet. I don't know how or why it happened, but I thank my nonexistent God every night. Every night that I wear his shirt to bed, now my favorite shirt, and picture him lying next to me. If only I could wake up in his arms and smother him with kisses again. The distance between us seems unbearable. I'm glad to say, though, that it's worth it. I couldn't ask for anything more than what he gives me, consciously and subconsciously. I still don't understand why he is so great to me. I don't deserve the heaps of love that he throws at me.

But I wouldn't give it up for the world. Not even Johnny Depp.

I want this to last forever. The pain and heartache and unsurmountabe love, ALL of it. I want to be his muse until the end of time. And he can continue being my distraction. Alex, please don't leave me. I love you with every part of myself, body and soul, and I won't give you up.

I keep thinking about how this time last week, I was with you. Why can't you be here now? Why can't you move to Portland? I don't see anything holding you back. And then I remember your mom's dependence on you. I understand how she couldn't live without you, because I feel the same way, but I think I have the right to be selfish in this case. I need you baby, right here with me.

So I think about last week, and how I relished every moment so that now, when I think back, I have little pieces of him to hold on to. Seeing him suddenly in my hallway was one of the biggest thrills of my life. I was on the phone with Ulrika Molly Burke, the coolest person in the universe (except me, of course) and when I saw him I screamed and almost dropped the phone. I hugged him, never wanting to let go of his embrace. Seeing those familiar features again after so long (2 months!!!) was more than refreshing, and I could picture his laugh just by his smile. I remembered how much I, and everyone else, loves his braces. I still find it funny that he's the only one in college with braces. Even Blake loved the braces.

We see each other again and, our hearts both pounding a bit faster, we step into the freezing Oregon air (ok...compared to LA), and just enjoy just being together. The next few days I will never forget. i forced Alex to go to lecture with me, where neither of us heard a word of the lecture because of...distractions. Then I missed all my classes for the day (I blame him) while we got wet asses sitting on the picnic table down by the canyon, drinking chai teas and sharing a clove. And that was only one of the amazing, picture-perfect moments we shared together. Although when I say picture-perfect, I don't mean it in a Kodak Moment sense, but rather a Diane Arbus sense. Like dressing up as a whore in hot pink silk with tights and matching heels, just for my boy, who could already barely concentrate as the drugs took over his body. I have such fun fucking up my boy. And blowing his mind with pleasure.

I love everything about Alex. Even when he's being an intolerant Republican DICK and I want to strangle him, I surprisngly still love him. I love his laugh, his body...oh yes, his body...close your eyes for this part, Ulrika. HIs strong arms wrapped around me, his lips that I love to kiss (not to be confused with my lips that he owns), his hair that he cares about more than any girl does of her own, every inch of his body I love. Every mole, every birth mark...especially the one you-know-where. Oh Jesus i am so overwhelmed with love, there can't possibly be any left in me.

Speaking of the man...WHY DO ALL THE LADIES LOVE JESUS SO MUCH?

Well, I need to continue with our amazing weekend. I'd like to believe I remember every moment, but if there's one thing I've learned from psychology, it's that our memories are complete shit. But I promise to write what I think I remember perfectly. Every moment was so precious, and I could feel everyone watching us with jealousy, wishing they had what we have. I would be jealous too. The best times, though, were the times when we were completely alone and could just stare into each other's eyes and, consequently, each other's minds. Who is it that says the eyes are the pathway to the soul? I could just feel the love penetrating through me, every minute we were together. The last day, when we knew he would be leaving soon, we sat on my couch, our bodies interlocked, and cried with each other. How would we deal with the seperation again? We told ourselves it was only a week until I would come home for Thanksgiving, but we wanted more. And still do. I want him with me right now to ease my heartache. I want him to hold me, protect me, keep me with him forever. I want him to stop me from crying, to tell me I'll never have to miss him again. Why can't everything just work out how i want it?

No one makes me smile like he does, and no one can make me as happy as I am when I'm with him. I love you so much Alex. Alejandro. My love. Seeing him go was one of the most painful moments of my life. I even would have risked having a cliché moment to see him turn around in the taxi and come back to me. Later I got this message, expressing my sentiments exactly:


Aline,

You tell me not to have regrets, but i do.

You might find it understandable to have these regrets...

- I regret sitting in my seat on my plane

- I regret showing the plane attendant my ticket

- I regret walking to my terminal

- I regret going through security

- I regret checking in my bag

- I regret getting my ticket at the stand

- I regret walking into the airpot

- I regret paying the taxi driver

- I regret opening the door

- I regret hearing the taxi driver saying "We're here"

- I regret the fucking lonely ride

- I regret closing the door

- I regret getting in

- I regret letting you go

- I regret saying goodbye


I love you so much aline. Just thought i'd let you know (again). My days mostly consist of thinking of you. Listening to the loneliest songs for the loneliest people.



Why is love so fucking painful? Someone, please, wipe my tears and tell me you love me.

Don't go to Hawthorne without me, don't have any of your own problems- just comfort me. I'm so fucking selfish. And i don't care.

BLOG!

alright...so everyone interesting who i know has a blog, and i'll admit i feel a little out of the loop...so here I am, making my own. we'll just have to see how it goes.