Ray...

Is Greenland!!!!

While many people think he's a warmish person, he's
actually really cold and forbidding.  In fact, he's downright frigid, and he
demands that people be tough if they're going to hang out with him.  Despite
this rocky personality, he still yearns for more independence than he has, and
respect is hard to get even though he has a hard time just surviving day to day.
 Of all the pastries in the world, we all could live without any more
danishes.


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

(we took lots of quizzes together and decided this one matched him best)

Boys are Stupid

I keep hearing my phone ring and I think that he's calling me. I wish he would, but I know I made him mad at me. If only I had ANY patience. This shit would be so much easier. I get so frustrated and I take it out on him. I make him feel like shit when I feel like shit. That can't be right. But it's not like he says anything to help it. I'm so mean to him. Why does he put up with it?

Sometimes I feel like I instigate just for the hell of it. Like I have the choice to easily let whatever it is slide, but I take it and milk every detail, I take things too far and not in the way they were intended. I'm a jealous girlfriend, but that's okay because he's a jealous boyfriend. He has no reason to be, but he is anyway.

Even when I'm angry at him (which is a lot, especially around the time of my period) it's a light kind of angry, one that doesn't bring me to tears although it still distracts me from doing any work. It doesn't overwhelmingly distress me but it still pisses me off. I'm in such a weird mood. I know I'm wrong and it's my fault and I'm acting irrational, but I'm still mad at him. Stupid boy. Of course I can't think of anything but him when there's a problem. He's shit at spanish by the way.


I love Ovid. Most interesting shit I've read all year.

"She seized her by the hair and flung her flat upon the ground. The girl held out her arms for mercy."

"Her cheeks are sallow, her whole body shrunk, her eyes askew and squinting; black decay befouls her teeth, her bosom's green with bile, and venom coats her tongue. She never smiles save when she relishes the sight of woe; sleep never soothes her, night by night awake with worry, as she sees against her will successes won and she sickens at the sight."

"On the girl's breast she laid her withering hand and filled her heart with thorny briars and breathed a baleful blight deep down into her bones and spread a stream of poison, black as pitch, inside her lungs."

"Now they are all around him, tearing deep their master's flesh, the stag that is no stag; and not until so many countless wounds had drained away his lifeblood, was the wrath, it's said of chaste Diana satisfied."

"Jove said, 'You women get more pleasure out of love than we men do, I'm sure.' She disagreed." Who's right???


Well...enough of this. I need to get myself some alky.

Valentine's Day Parte Deux

Now I can REALLY reflect on my Valentine's Day. Sometimes it takes a day to let it all set in. My box from Alex was wonderful. Puking in the morning was not. Spending romantic time with my valentine WAS.

I can't say I've ever had a candlelit pumpkin pie dessert with sparkling french berry lemonade in pink champagne glasses before. And I'm sure that even if I would have had one before, it couldn't have come close to how amazing our night was. Let's just say the sex was great. Sorry Alex.

As much as I would have liked to spend time with my boy, I've got to be happy with what I've got. And I've got A LOT. (that means you, KC) Yesterday was awesome. I love you.

Valentine's Day for Aline

No KC, I have the best valentine. YOU.

I woke up this morning to see Dave sneaking into my room to place your present on my desk. Which, I must add, is delicious. We are so awesome together.

I then worried like hell about my spanish test that I didn't have much time to study for. I didn't have time to worry about it being Valentine's Day. After my test was over, it was all I could think about. I've always hated Valentine's Day, but this year I have a reason to like it. I eagerly awaited my package from Alex, or Mr. Copacetic. I checked my mail three times before it finally came. I rushed to my room to see the treasures inside. To my surprise, as I opened the box, sand started pouring everywhere. I thought to myself Oh God, what did he do? I started sorting through the array of gifts that he sent me, all COMPLETELY covered in sand. I couldn't help but laugh. I'm sure the sand and seashells that he sent me from the beach weren't supposed to spill everywhere over everything. But it's the thought that counts, right? When I finally cleaned everything off, I got a chance to really take in the loveliness of my present. It all added up to perfection. The avocado, the stolen orange cone, a lava lamp, a slingshot and more. Who wants to read the Aeneid when you have the choice of the Postsecret book or "The Fine Art of Erotic Talk"?

So basically, I have two pretty fucking AMAZING valentines this year. This is my reward for never having a real valentine up to this point. I deserve it. I love you guys. I hope you like my gifts! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Renn Fayre

NOW it will be amazing. Because I'll be spending it with the only one I love. I've never been so happy about emptying my bank account.

And he says it feels like I just socked him in the face. Hah.

For Alex

Down, Wanton, Down!
Robert Graves (1895-1985)

Down, wanton, down! Have you no shame
That at the whisper of Love's name,
Or Beauty's, presto! up you raise
Your angry head and stand at gaze?

Poor bombard-captain, sworn to reach
The ravelin and effect a breach--
Indifferent what you storm or why,
So be that in the breach you die!

Love may be blind, but Love at least
Knows what is man and what mere beast;
Or Beauty wayward, but requires
More delicacy from her squires.

Tell me, my witless, whose one boast
Could be your staunchness at the post,
When were you made a man of parts
To think fine and profess the arts?

Will many-gifted Beauty come
Bowing to your bald rule of thumb,
Or Love swear loyalty to your crown?
Be gone, have done! Down, wanton, down!

Finally

Every time I see a postsecret like this, I think...wow, I could have made one so much better than that- more creative, more meaningful. Yet they still touch my heart. I can so easily put myself in the place of the postcard maker. I, too, finally fell in love. Each postsecret means so much to me. And I still haven't made one of my own.

I sometimes wonder- what's stopping me?

And she scores

Thaaaat's right. I got my ice cream. When I say I'm gonna do something, I fucking do it. And I bring my crew with me. And when I say crew, I mean semi-sober Ray and sober KC. I just got two ice cream sandwiches for $1.50 so nothing can spoil me good mood. That was supposed to say "my", not "me" but this way amuses me so I'm leaving it. We passed by a DT5mil party on the way where you can only get in wearing polka dots (and the pajamas I'm wearing are COVERED), or if you bring a date or alcohol, but dance parties are not my thing right now. I'm tired and I have to ski all tomorrow. I'm a little afraid of the snow. Maybe more than a little. We won't confront this issue until later though. Too much work.

I keep hearing my phone vibrate but it's definitely not. That probably comes from waiting all day for the boyfriend to call. I'm sure that's not healthy. Oh well.

What have the tables done?

Yeah, they've turned. A complete 180.

I'm home alone and Alex is out having fun. With ULRIKA! What the fuck.

No, I'm not jealous. Not at all. Ugh. I want to go to the promenade!! I wanna see a movie and go to Johnny Rockets!!!!! And I don't even like Johnny Rockets. I want to have fun instead of write a paper on the Ara Pacis. Fuck the Ara Pacis. Fuck the Romans. Fuck Augustus. Fuck death and fertility.

So now, I feel that I have the right to complain. I'm finally in the position that Alex is always put in. No, I take that back. I don't party THAT much. Whatever. I don't like this, not one bit. Someone should buy me ice cream. Ice cream is very consoling. Maybe I can persuade someone into a trip to Homer's. Yeah, let's go. Fuck writing papers.

Nirvana

I never thought I would find it in the form of a keyboard. But the keys are so soft and smooth, I want to glide and melt into them. Cradle them. It's so clean and white and innocent. And it works. I press each button and MAGIC. This is beauty at its absolute purest.

Yeah I'm a bit weird.

Shit Gone Awry

Only with my experiment of course. It didn't go so well. I guess I have to tell more people ahead of time. And I should carry something that they can read that will tell them I can't communicate. Friday is my next day!

As for other news, A LOT happened yesterday. I had long conversations with Jess, Dave, Ray and KC. All very good conversations. We'll see what trouble(?) ensues.

Revision

Okay, I can't go 3 days without human contact. I decided to go a day with minimal personal contact and then two days with normal conditions, and record EVERYTHING.

The days that I won't be speaking to anyone are February: 7, 10, 13, 16, 19, 22, 25.

Call me but don't talk to me in person! Love ya.

Self-Experimentation

I've been brainstorming for awhile on a good experiment to test on myself as a psychology experiment. I thought about testing the effects of getting drunk on my body, the relation between the amount of time spent reading and the location where it's done, and plenty of variations of my sleep patterns. But today, I think I found something even more intriguing. I want to find the relation between person-to-person interaction and time spent speaking on the phone. Maybe there is no relation at all, but I've got to test it to find out. It's possible that if I talk to more "real" people during the day, I will find less to talk about on the phone and therefore spend less time on the phone. It's also possible that speaking to real people will get me excited to tell more people the day's events on the phone. I really have no idea, and I'm interested to find out if there's any correlation there. So, starting tomorrow, I will start to limit interaction I have with friends and classmates. I'll go for 3-day intervals (if I can) of minimal and then enhanced interaction. I'll record EVERYTHING, every person I speak to and every second spent on the phone. I'm kind of excited. I hope to learn something about my social behavior and maybe even behavior on a larger scale.

So...basically...don't be offended if you don't see me or I don't speak to you on February 7, 8, 9, 13, 14, 15, 19, 20, 21, 25, 26, 27!!!!

On the other hand...

I feel bad for Cait and Emily. Now they'll have to deal with Ray full-time since I won't be taking him off their backs anymore. Who will he go to when he can't get them? I'm sorry I can't be a temporary replacement anymore. Damn.

My New Roomate

So...since Ryan's room burnt down, he's staying with me. He skipped lecture this morning and I feel like I should be more of a motherly figure and force him to get up and go. I feel like I should force him to work and not smoke so much pot. I don't know what it is that makes me want to lead him; I guess it's just the motherly instinct inside. Anyway, this will be fun. I hope.

Don't be jealous, Alex.

The GOOD Things

I feel like, for the past couple days, my mind has been encompassed with the BAD HORRIBLE EVIL things. And that's not healthy, especially because I have so many great things to be thankful for.

I have some amazing friends here, namely Molly and KC and Josh and Dave. They rock.

Shit, I don't want to leave anyone else out though. I want to become better friends with Lisa because I think she's awesome. Jess too. I want to have a nice long conversation with her and find out how she's really feeling. I'll lure her in with my big room and couch.

I have the best boyfriend EVER. Alex I love you. When I'm stressed out and going crazy and hating the world, you're always there to help me through it. It's fucking hard being so far from you but I'm strong and if I can handle this, I can do anything. I want to be an example to everyone and show them that a long distance relationship can work. It helps knowing that it won't ALWAYS be long distance, that we'll be together soon. I know when we are, it will be that much more rewarding.

I had a fucking awesome party. Shit, son. They're still thanking me for rocking out Griffin. I feel so loved. At least a lot of other people had fun and know it was my doing. I didn't even mind cleaning up the billions of beer cans and other alcoholic containers this morning. I was waaay too fucked up to take pictures- so that sucks, but I guess that's a good thing because there were some incredible parts of the party that I loved, and are better in memory than any picture can portray. Like my entire drunk/stoned/etc. room singing along to Bohemian Rhapsody. Lisa getting me her lovely smirnoff ice instead of the cheap beer I bought in bulk for my guests. I remember a few moments, a couple seconds of talking to each person. The night still seems like a blur, and I definitely passed out before the dorm was evacuated because of the mattress fire. I kind of wish that a fireman would have rescued me from my sleep, but I'm sure I'll get a chance for that another time.

Emily and Cait gave me the best housewarming gift ever- their own crayola copy of Van Gogh's Starry Night. It's easily comparable to Van Gogh. No, better.

I talked to Tedros for the first time in a very long time and it was nice. I think we should be good friends again. He even gave me Mac and Cheese in exchange for alcohol. For some reason, I feel a little ripped off. He's a good guy though. Yes, shit went down but it's all forgiveable. I understand his humor like a lot of people don't and I feel sorry for him when they take him seriously.

Rachel Leaf came yesterday and we drank together just like the beginning of the year. I miss that girl and we NEED to rekindle our friendship because she's awesome.

Ulrika Molly Burke came allll the way to my party from LA. Now that's dedication. (Not really, but it would have been nice.)

I've promised godmother to Malka for my second child. The first has already been taken by Ulrika. Who wants the third (if I have another)? KC?

So, I've got A LOT to be thankful for. I know I have to brace myself for an actual face-to-face confrontation with Ray, and it will help thinking of the previous lovelies in my life.

What I HAVE to do

I'm breaking up with Ray. I realized this morning that we can't be friends. Not with my personality and his satisfaction in destroying it. I definitely do not need his embellished versions of the truth or exaggerated, hyperbolic drama. He lives for that drama, and I don't need to partake in any of his shit. I won't stand for the kind of mistreatment that he gives me. He was wrong to freak out yesterday with the pizza-ordering and wrong to take it so far as to show up at my party for 30 seconds and leave. I don't remember what he said to me in those 30 seconds, but I do remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying about it. Thank you to those who noticed and comforted me. I love you.

And it helped me realize that Ray isn't the caring kind of person who I want in my life. I can't even picture him comforting me. We've gotten closer lately, and I was starting to think that a real friendship would work out with us, but I was very wrong. His temper and attitude is too much for me to handle. He can pull that with someone else but I refuse to be friends with someone who freaks out like he did. That's not okay, and no amount of alcohol in anyone's system would excuse it. I was willing to talk about him feeling excluded. His little door-slamming and petty remarks were bullshit, and I could have simply explained that anyone was allowed to order pizza with us- it was not at all a fixed, invite-only thing. I didn't organize it, I didn't intend to leave him out. Jess came over and ate with us after we ordered without her and there was absolutely no problem. Ray has ordered food without me countless times- so what the fuck is the big deal? It's not like he ever invites me either. So I saw no reason for him to hold a grudge. I knew, however, that he would. That's just Ray.

Regardless of the debatable details of the events that sparked my realization, I am now completely sure that we won't work out. I've never been so angry at someone that I "jokingly" tell them that I wish them dead. I can't even imagine what he'd do if I ACTUALLY did something mean or hurtful to him. It scares me to think about it.

Bottles and Cans and Just Clap Your Hands

I want to break down. My party was supposedly awesome and everyone was there but I don't even care. I don't remember much. The parts I remember were stressful and horrible and, shit I don't even know- just bad.

Blake and KC left after like 10 minutes- I don't know what that was about. Thanks for the support guys. Blake was just an ass, not at ALL helping my nerves about the party. I felt like I was going fucking insane and no one helped. I feel like I'm always there to support everyone for the tiniest little thing, but no one cares when I'm the one distressed. I talked to Alex and he calmed me down. Molly found me, and god bless her- she is my angel. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. Blake. I try to take his criticisms with a laugh, because I know he isn't REALLY serious, but it builds up and it hurts. It fucking hurts when it adds to the hysteria in my mind. Yesterday I hated everyone. I got trashed and forgot for awhile. But now it's back and I want to fall into crying spasms again. it's hard to even walk down the hall without crying.

Dave slept in Jess' bed. BAD MOVE mister.

Ray is a horrible person. I realized this morning that we can't be friends. I refuse to be friends, even fake friends, with someone who so carelessly throws around my friendship. NO PERSON, even jokingly, calls their friend and leaves a message saying, "I heard your dorm is on fire. I hope you burn to death. Bye." Go to hell. I will do our lab report on my own, I will ski alone, I will find someone else to play racquetball with. I would rather do anything alone than with him.

Speaking of our dorm burning down...






Apparently it did. I found out this morning. Hah. What a great night.

Estoy nerviosa...

I do this a lot. I commit myself to something stressful, something that I know will eat my insides out and drive me insane with anticipation. Like having a party. What if no one comes??? What's worse: having too much beer because no one comes or not enough and ending it early because no one is drunk? It's gonna fucking blow! AAAHHH fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm such an idiot. Why do I constantly set myself up for failure?

Tell me it will be great. Please. Even better, come to my party and make it awesome. Thanks.

State of the Union

There is nothing more depressing than watching it with George W. Bush as dictator, and nothing more fun than playing the state of the union drinking game with a billion reedies stuffed into your common room.

Cheers to "freedom"!