Saying Goodbye

Is getting harder and harder for me, especially when I'm talking to Alex on the phone. Why has the simple act of hanging up the phone become so hard? I don't want to let go. I know that hanging up will put me back into my loneliness, into a hole of Alex deprivation.

Saying goodbye on the phone isn't the only thing that's hard. It really sucks when you meet amazing people and become friends with them, only to have them suddenly disappear from your life. Natalie. She left before I fully understood that she was leaving. I don't know how long she knew, but I found out a couple days before she was gone. I haven't REALLY realized that she's gone. Leaving, left, coming back briefly, it's all the same. The fact is that I won't be seeing her aalll the time like I'm used to- but my truth is that it hasn't even begun to sink in. I feel like a bitch, not being depressed about her absence. But I still feel like I can run down the hall and bump into her. I expect to see her around any minute. It hasn't hit me that I won't see her bouncing around any minute. I don't understand how everyone else can take this in and accept it so easily. I guess denial is always easier than acceptance. But I DO feel sadness about it. I guess it's hard to explain. I miss her, but not with the full intensity that I "should". When I'm reminded that she's gone, the mood turns somber and for a few seconds a dead, contemplative silence fills the air. Eventually the gravity of the situation will sink in and I'll give Natalie a call or leave her a facebook message telling her how much I love her and miss her, because I do.