As if I haven't blogged enough today...

Just got back from lunch with Jake. Back in bed. Listening to new music at least.

A few parties to go to tonight, but I'm not sure if I want to be drunk. And we all know what a disaster parties are when one is sober. Or maybe just when Aline is sober.

I want to clarify my use of the word retarded, for the future and my last-ish post and always. I'm not at all alluding to developmental disabilities, which I don't consider "retardation". I'm talking about perfectly capable people acting...well...like they aren't perfectly capable. I'm talking about ignorance, not seeing the obvious or seeing the obvious and acting against it. I can't stand it and I can't stand its prevalence- I really just don't understand how people can be so dumb. And I'm not thinking of anything/one specifically right now, but I'm finding this retardation to be a common theme lately.

About developmental disorders like Asperger syndrome and autism, I am thoroughly understanding. I am absolutely in love with my mentee who has Asperger's. When I say everyone should be a bit more like her, I'm not kidding. She is by far one of the brightest 9-year-olds I've ever met and definitely the funniest. Her sense of humor is certainly odd and quirky, and sometimes I'm not even sure if she's joking, but she truly is brilliant. I'm often jealous of the observations she makes, to be honest. One of my favorite things about her is how she expresses her excitement. When she is excited, she waves her hands behind her and makes the greatest face- you can't help but feel excited when she is.

I read an article in the New Yorker yesterday about an individual with Asperger's (written by that man) and was impressed and enlightened. It was beautifully written. Read it.

Mother

I asked my mom if insurance will pay for me to get the HPV vaccination and, along with her response, she writes:

P.S. Remember not to think this replaces the condom. Always protect
against STD's. If you are using other forms of birth control it
should be in ADDITION to the condom. A wise rule: no condom, no sex.

The New Shit

It seems that blogging may be the only thing that will keep me occupied enough to refrain from, well, I don't know. A Manson-induced breakdown? Agh, I hate people. I love Marilyn Manson. I've been sitting here looking at his website and artwork and listening to my Manson mix and everything Manson. And it's making me even more depressed that I'm not going tonight.

I think I'm not only attracted to everything Manson because I'm in love with Marilyn Monroe, intrigued by Charles Manson and a fan of his music, but mainly because he's just so fucking intelligent. Manson is clearly too smart for his own good. I think that anyone who doesn't love him simply hasn't been exposed to him (or at least not in the right way) or is retarded.





Okay. I am going to shower and maybe turn on some lights. I can update more later but this is not healthy.

I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art

I think that my decision to listen to Marilyn Manson at this very moment may have been a mistake. I've been trying to hide my feelings about today for awhile (why? I don't know. It hurts?) and I'm at the point where I'm not sure I can contain it any longer.

Once again, my doubts and anxiety have proven fully warranted and I'm pretty much screwed.

I hate being screwed. And this sort of fucked up situation is exactly the thing that will stop me from taking risks in the future, which is not what I need. I thought it would be fun, I thought maybe- just maybe- they would come through. I thought that if we all invested $70 in something, something like awesome concert tickets, everyone would try a little harder to make it happen. But now I'm stuck with money down the drain and no ride to California and no one to go with. I don't want to think about how badly I wanted to go because I know I will just break down. The concert starts at 7pm tonight. Concord is about 8-10 hours away. If I left now, I might be able to make it in time. But I've resigned to the fact that it's not going to happen- I'm not going to go.

Oh my god I've got to do something really fucking awesome today to make up for this.

If only the skate house party tonight wouldn't (potentially) be so horribly awkward...

(Remember this?)

Just in

I've just received these photos that were taken in June on a trip to the Tree Horse Farm somewhere in Oregon. These are actually the only photos I have of my mentee thus far. So, I now introduce to you...Hope.




As you may be able to tell, my allergies were getting the best of me that day. Hay rides are no fun with hayfever. But of course, Hope was sweet as ever. When we were tired of people, we lied in the grass together and played games. I think everyone should be more like Hope.

Summer's End

Now that summer is coming to a close, I'll have a reason to procrastinate once more. I'll start with a bit of an update. Pictures are always best.

I stayed with Ray in Texas.


Went to the House of Blues with the fam in LA.


Drove up to Enumclaw, WA with Malka and played with animals.




Ava and fam came to PDX to visit me for my b-day.


Lots of fun with the friends.


And the sister.


She fit right in, with some liquid courage help (not that it was needed)






















Babysat my kiddies.




Climbed Mt. St. Helens


Went to the Oregon Coast a few times.




And...you know...more stuff...

Summer Resolutions

I'm no longer drinking soda or eating anything that tastes good.
Also, exercising is coming back. Big time.

Study Plans?

They've gone to shit. This paper is going slower than ever. I don't know why I can't concentrate; usually it just shoots out of me. I think I'm just so over school that I can't produce anything good anymore. I just have to get through Thursday. One more day.

Mainstream is the New Indie

I need to post this before it's no longer my favorite song.

Ridiculosity at its best:

Study Plans

Starting riiiight NOW

TUESDAY
1-2 eat lunch with Molly
2-4 Learning Research with/without caffeine
4-6 Write English paper on death scenes in Lolita/White Noise
6-7 Eat dinner?
7 Babysit, bring chem. and study until sleep or death, whichever comes first


WEDNESDAY
8:30-9 Eat, shower
9-12 Make revisions on English paper, write learning paper on research done on Tuesday
12-1 Eat lunch (or go out with Ray at one? Is there time?)
4:00 Psy 136 “The future of the dept” if I'm up for it
Rest of day- study chemistry. Do problems, study with Molly (?)

Now you can decide which times will be best to distract me. BUT, really really, don't distract me for long. A little is alright.

Fuuuck.

Finals are sucking balls right now. I need it to be Friday night. I am literally not going to be able to do anything until then. Eat, maybe. Why have I procrastinated ALL SEMESTER?!?!?

And I just realized I have to go to an autism training session (on working with autistic people) this Friday in mother fucking Hillsboro. I don't know how I'm going to get there but I really hope cab fare isn't going to empty my bank account. Fuuuck.

ADDITION:
I pretty much backed out of the autism thing. I know, I'm a bad person.

Renn Fayre 2K7

Natalie made a picture story that everyone should read. I agree with all the comments, so just pretend I'm saying them.

Click Here

Rico the Border Collie

I'm writing a paper on Rico the famous border collie from a Kaminski et al. study and I've decided I want one. I don't even especially love dogs, but look at these puppies. And they're the most intelligent dogs according to wikipedia.

Reading Week '07

I've been really bad this reading week, especially considering that it's already Thursday and I haven't even thought about work. Facebook has been sucking me in with all its Renn Fayre photos and I just can't seem to start working. But I've decided that right after I post this, I'm starting my English and/or Learning paper. I can't even start on Renn Fayre. Too much to tell. Pictures will come soon.

I went to Grout to read with Mrs. Roth's class for the last time today and, I'll admit, it was a tear-jerker. The kids were so cute and wonderful and showered me with hugs and gifts. More to come on volunteering things too.

A Sore Subject

If you're walking up to Birchwood 7, you're likely to find a pool of rum and maybe a few bits of broken glass that I neglected to see last night when I tried to clean up my mess. I was walking home with my handle of bacardi and 3 bottles of champagne in Jess' backpack when, right as I was about to reach the stairs and almost be home, the rum flew out of the bag and collapsed onto the sidewalk. I was SO CLOSE and I am literally devastated. I can not believe that, of all things that could happen, this did. Now I have no rum for Renn Fayre. I don't want to be sad for thesis parade so I'm going to pretend that everything's fine, and if you read this please don't bring up the rum so that I can bask in my full denial. Let's just say it's a sore subject.

I wish I had a blue dress

I wonder if this is just a chemical imbalance. I guess everything is. It's all unconscious before it becomes conscious if it even gets that far, it's all neurons and synapses and finite physical matter. Emotions aren't the beasts we think they are. Yet we think our thoughts are indeterminate, that we have choice and control over what we do or think or feel. I want to believe that.

But on the other hand, I want to blame these feelings on something else. I want to tell myself that I'm just late coming down from the drug and I'm coming down hard and that it will soon be over. But I'm not completely sure that I've convinced myself. I just want to fill my room with a flood of tears and lie in a huddle in my bed forever. Sounds wonderful, right?

Someone, please, live this life for me. Just do it for me and do it right because I can't handle it. I can't handle all the work and complexity- I want it to be simple. I want to be rich and intelligent and have the perfect family in a perfect house with perfect friends. Why can't it be that easy? Why can't I deal with my emotions?

Yeah Clinton

Just got this e-mail:

Congratulations! You were picked to attend the Clinton lecture on Tuesday, April 17. Here are some more details for the evening. The faculty member attending will be Peter Steinberger and the staff member will be Sarah Parshley. Meet in the Student Services Office in Eliot 218 at 5pm. Peter and Sarah will drive you to the lecture at the Schnitzer Auditorium. Doors open at 5:30 for general admission seating and the lecture starts at 6:30. After the lecture, you will have dinner at the Park Kitchen in the Pearl District. You won't return to campus until late that evening.

IMPORTANT: if you are unable to attend this lecture, please let me know as soon as possible so that we can arrange for a replacement. There were 134 other students who wanted to attend, so please do not let this spot go to waste.

Enjoy the evening!



http://www.worldoregon.org/events/speaker2.php

Basically, Bill Clinton will be speaking in Portland and I was one of four Reedies chosen to go for free. My sentiments should be obvious.

I was looking at the foodnetwork.com website for recipes for my little Easter dinner tonight and I decided I need someone to make me these adorable cupcakes:

Strawberry-Lime Stuffed Cupcakes

New on youtube

My girls can dance.