Ain't No Mountain High Enough

This is one of those moments where I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. I was always such a skeptic of love. For the record, I still am. I thought I could never be so overcome with emotion that rationality gets pushed to the side. I don't want to be a romantic. I'm fucking hardcore. I like to play with boys, twist them to my desires, toy with them to my benefit. But alas, now I'm the one hopelessly out of control. I'm the one who will give in to any of his requests. And I LOVE it. I'll admit it, i'm desperately in love with the most wonderful person on the planet. I don't know how or why it happened, but I thank my nonexistent God every night. Every night that I wear his shirt to bed, now my favorite shirt, and picture him lying next to me. If only I could wake up in his arms and smother him with kisses again. The distance between us seems unbearable. I'm glad to say, though, that it's worth it. I couldn't ask for anything more than what he gives me, consciously and subconsciously. I still don't understand why he is so great to me. I don't deserve the heaps of love that he throws at me.

But I wouldn't give it up for the world. Not even Johnny Depp.

I want this to last forever. The pain and heartache and unsurmountabe love, ALL of it. I want to be his muse until the end of time. And he can continue being my distraction. Alex, please don't leave me. I love you with every part of myself, body and soul, and I won't give you up.

I keep thinking about how this time last week, I was with you. Why can't you be here now? Why can't you move to Portland? I don't see anything holding you back. And then I remember your mom's dependence on you. I understand how she couldn't live without you, because I feel the same way, but I think I have the right to be selfish in this case. I need you baby, right here with me.

So I think about last week, and how I relished every moment so that now, when I think back, I have little pieces of him to hold on to. Seeing him suddenly in my hallway was one of the biggest thrills of my life. I was on the phone with Ulrika Molly Burke, the coolest person in the universe (except me, of course) and when I saw him I screamed and almost dropped the phone. I hugged him, never wanting to let go of his embrace. Seeing those familiar features again after so long (2 months!!!) was more than refreshing, and I could picture his laugh just by his smile. I remembered how much I, and everyone else, loves his braces. I still find it funny that he's the only one in college with braces. Even Blake loved the braces.

We see each other again and, our hearts both pounding a bit faster, we step into the freezing Oregon air (ok...compared to LA), and just enjoy just being together. The next few days I will never forget. i forced Alex to go to lecture with me, where neither of us heard a word of the lecture because of...distractions. Then I missed all my classes for the day (I blame him) while we got wet asses sitting on the picnic table down by the canyon, drinking chai teas and sharing a clove. And that was only one of the amazing, picture-perfect moments we shared together. Although when I say picture-perfect, I don't mean it in a Kodak Moment sense, but rather a Diane Arbus sense. Like dressing up as a whore in hot pink silk with tights and matching heels, just for my boy, who could already barely concentrate as the drugs took over his body. I have such fun fucking up my boy. And blowing his mind with pleasure.

I love everything about Alex. Even when he's being an intolerant Republican DICK and I want to strangle him, I surprisngly still love him. I love his laugh, his body...oh yes, his body...close your eyes for this part, Ulrika. HIs strong arms wrapped around me, his lips that I love to kiss (not to be confused with my lips that he owns), his hair that he cares about more than any girl does of her own, every inch of his body I love. Every mole, every birth mark...especially the one you-know-where. Oh Jesus i am so overwhelmed with love, there can't possibly be any left in me.

Speaking of the man...WHY DO ALL THE LADIES LOVE JESUS SO MUCH?

Well, I need to continue with our amazing weekend. I'd like to believe I remember every moment, but if there's one thing I've learned from psychology, it's that our memories are complete shit. But I promise to write what I think I remember perfectly. Every moment was so precious, and I could feel everyone watching us with jealousy, wishing they had what we have. I would be jealous too. The best times, though, were the times when we were completely alone and could just stare into each other's eyes and, consequently, each other's minds. Who is it that says the eyes are the pathway to the soul? I could just feel the love penetrating through me, every minute we were together. The last day, when we knew he would be leaving soon, we sat on my couch, our bodies interlocked, and cried with each other. How would we deal with the seperation again? We told ourselves it was only a week until I would come home for Thanksgiving, but we wanted more. And still do. I want him with me right now to ease my heartache. I want him to hold me, protect me, keep me with him forever. I want him to stop me from crying, to tell me I'll never have to miss him again. Why can't everything just work out how i want it?

No one makes me smile like he does, and no one can make me as happy as I am when I'm with him. I love you so much Alex. Alejandro. My love. Seeing him go was one of the most painful moments of my life. I even would have risked having a cliché moment to see him turn around in the taxi and come back to me. Later I got this message, expressing my sentiments exactly:


Aline,

You tell me not to have regrets, but i do.

You might find it understandable to have these regrets...

- I regret sitting in my seat on my plane

- I regret showing the plane attendant my ticket

- I regret walking to my terminal

- I regret going through security

- I regret checking in my bag

- I regret getting my ticket at the stand

- I regret walking into the airpot

- I regret paying the taxi driver

- I regret opening the door

- I regret hearing the taxi driver saying "We're here"

- I regret the fucking lonely ride

- I regret closing the door

- I regret getting in

- I regret letting you go

- I regret saying goodbye


I love you so much aline. Just thought i'd let you know (again). My days mostly consist of thinking of you. Listening to the loneliest songs for the loneliest people.



Why is love so fucking painful? Someone, please, wipe my tears and tell me you love me.

Don't go to Hawthorne without me, don't have any of your own problems- just comfort me. I'm so fucking selfish. And i don't care.