You Know You're Right

I'm supposed to give Alex a wake-up call in an hour and a half. This time I won't forget. In fact, I don't know how I can wait that long. There is no one I would rather speak to. I don't know what it is about Alex- his jokes, his teasing, maybe the sheer amount of love that he piles on me, but I can't get enough. And as much as I bitch about the distance, I'm still eternally grateful for what I have. I know I don't have the right to complain, because I'm the luckiest girl alive. I have what people dream of, and I don’t deserve to be selfish about it.

I'm glad I didn't write any more last night. That could have turned out very bad. I tell myself that I'm moodier lately than normal, but in the back of my mind I know I was always this emotional. I think I'm relatively good at keeping it under wraps, at least for the people who don't know me enough to care. But it’s probably better to write at a time like now, when I’m not overwhelmed with emotion.

Alex gets jealous of me having fun sometimes, and I'm not completely sure why. Even yesterday when I went to see Harry Potter with a bunch of my favorite Reedies (Kacey, Molly, Jess, Tedros, Blake and Josh), I felt like it was incomplete without him being there with me. I watched the movie with a sort of faux eagerness, a forged happiness, knowing that I really did like the movie but couldn't enjoy it like I was supposed to. I should have had a genuine good time, but even when we got back I still didn’t feel like partying. (Am I just a loser, or is there something deeper going on here?)

The best part of the trip for me was driving in the car, singing to music. It reminded me of driving around LA at night with Ulrika, one of our favorite things to do. I guess I've begun to feel homesick lately. At first there was so much excitement of moving to a new place, meeting new people and starting a new life. I never took time to say goodbye to my old life- I just jumped into this new one. Since I've gotten here, I've definitely changed as a person- and I miss some aspects of the old me. I want to go home and rediscover what I miss most, while at the same time I don’t. I know it will be rough seeing my parents, and possibly even rougher seeing certain old friends, but I would rather try than wonder what would have happened.

Well...that was all just a bunch of random bullshit. Take it or leave it. I see my blog as an outlet for myself, and only myself. I'm not writing it for pity, but I would still like to share how I feel. I had a great talk with Kacey about this, and I decided that I'm not going to take any criticisms. I don't want to be compared with anyone else. I'm not sorry if you don't like what I write, and I'll keep writing it exactly how it comes out. Thanks Kacey; I love you.