As much as I want to move on to working on my hum paper and preparing for my grandma's arrival tomorrow, I have a little something that's been on my mind and won't leave me alone. I'll probably regret typing this publicly, but I've got to let it out. What is it about? The answer can be found in the title.
I feel like I was there for her a significant amount, talking to her and working through her thoughts on the breakup. I acted like the good friend should, always being available and always listening when she needed an ear. Even when I was hesitant and felt used, I did it anyway and told myself that she was going through a lot. I made so many excuses for her, and stood by her, trying to help. I felt like my efforts were futile, and that she kept going back to hurt herself. But STILL, I stayed with her.
And then she realized on her own what I'd been trying to tell her for months. Suddenly I wasn't important anymore; she didn't need me to get to him or to talk to when he wasn't available. And yes, I was happy that she was leaning in the right direction regarding that relationship, but JESUS, I felt more used than ever. Once again, the theme of disposability (word?) returns to my life. Aline is no longer needed. She couldn't even tell me that she was going to be seeing less of me- I heard the message through others. "No offense, but I'm not going to hang out with you anymore". Well O.K. I guess all that I helped you with really did mean nothing.
But then, stranded, at Safeway amidst pouring rain and a shopping cart full of groceries (for her dorm, no less), she wasn't there for me. We asked if it would be convenient, she got mad. So we called back and said nevermind; it's not worth it. Nothing is worth her wrath that she will use against you until the end of time. She "could have picked us up, and it would have been really easy, but she REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO". Thanks sweetheart. I understand being angry at Dave or feeling like he's using you or whatever. But when did this become a bitchy issue with me? Walking in the rain wasn't so bad. I wasn't even angry at the time. It was kinda fun.
We got back at around the same time. (She was already out, like 5 minutes from us when we called to ask for a ride) She made some comment about us getting there around the same time, I laughed about it and made a joke. I said, "Yeah, we're just a little wetter". She replies in her spiteful little tone, "Well, I'm NOT gonna apologize". As if I was asking for an apology. And then she disappears down the hall to her room.
And I said FUCK NO BITCH. I ain't gonna take that, oh no I won't. One thing about me that I hope everyone knows- I hold grudges. And that kind of comment didn't slide down easily.
Of course, she has no idea how I feel because our only interactions are her telling me about her sleeping around. Yes, I know you're fucking him. He's a slut; he's a kommie bike. Dirty and used, but everyone's had a turn. Nothing special. (Although some may argue vehemently in favor of kommie bikes) Go have fun but don't expect me to care until you show some interest in me. It's funny how I can sit at my computer staring at the screen the entire time you're in my room talking at me (not to me) while I say barely two words, and you think that everything's okay. That's just bullshit. What kind of friend is that oblivious?
Phew. Now that I've gotten all that out, I can ask WHHHYYYYYY DO I CAAAAARRRREEEEEEE?????????
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2 comments:
Instead of being a coward you could try and talk to her yourself. It makes you seems like a spiteful vindictive bitch to get out your frustration this way. Generally things are much more productive when talking to someone directly. And I'm fairly certain that this person might have reasons for what she is doing, and wasn't aware that she was hurting you this much. Maybe you could ask her reasoning behind it (especially the thing in the rain) instead of not talking to her about. Again you look like a coward and a bitch
speak for yourself, jess
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