Oprah

So...

I meant to blog on my Oprah experience earlier, but I was otherwise engaged and had to take care of a small (Canadian) distraction first. Poor boy. He'll probably never recognize his own ignorance.

ANYWAY, I had a close encounter with the lovely Oprah Winfrey this morning. I actually met her. Well, not really. But I dreamt about meeting her. I can't describe the dream in full detail like I did this morning when Alex woke me from my tranquil slumber, but I can recall the most important parts. I was walking through a little street of Mexican tiendas, such as those seen on Olvera Street, with my friends Malka, KC, the boys (exactly which ones are just a blur), and Malka's parents. It might be a little weird that I dreamed of Malka's parents but I'm okay with that. We knew that they were taking us somewhere, so we followed. We somehow got to a humble little home (nothing like Oprah's real home) and she welcomed us inside. Oprah didn't really look like Oprah, but she WAS. She was too skinny and her hair was super short, like Halle Berry's hair when it's at its shortest. For some reason we had to pay for dinner, but I didn't have any money. So I couldn't eat. I sat and watched, only drinking water, as Oprah spilled her best recipes to the crowd and cooked a many-course meal. No one offered anything to me and I felt a little melancholy, alone and hungry as I watched everyone else enjoy their food and conversation. I wanted to join in on the fun! If only I could have stepped into my dream and given myself some money!!! At this point, Oprah still seemed like an out-of-reach celebrity and I sat farthest from her at the end of the tiny table in her tiny kitchen/living room. The entire room barely fit us all and it seemed like we were squeezed into a space meant for less people. When everyone finished eating, they all went down by the TV (on the floor) as I sat with my legs stretched out on the table. Oprah came and sat by me and we had some kind of enthralling conversation, most of which I can't remember. I do remember, however, that she was very sweet and understanding. She told me what a burden it is to be such a trendsetter; everyone will go out and get the new "Oprah" haircut. I sympathized with her superstar problems and she listened to my stories. I told her I saw a sexual abuse movie in 9th grade with her in it and respected all that she did for people in need. I love Oprah.


So, I went to her website and found some useful facts that no one should go without knowing. Here they are. Praise Oprah with me.

-The average man can keep an erection for around 40 minutes, even though he might not last that long. The average woman takes about 20 minutes to climax from oral sex.

-The average man gets around seven erections a day. Sadly, five of those are in his sleep.

-The average speed of ejaculation is 28 mph.

-Sex is healthy. There's more protein in the average ejaculation than there is in a medium-sized pork chop.